The Cosmic Progression
by battleostrich
Summary: Howard's space flight hits some turbulence, while Amy attempts to renegotiate the relationship agreement.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE.

"Hey, Froot Loops!" Mike Massimo's voice boomed around the walls of the cramped lab area onboard the International Space Station. "How are the repairs?"

"Great, I'm almost done."

"Is it gonna work this time? I don't want to tell Mother Russia we just brought you up here just to party with all the pretty girls."

"Me neither," said Howard. "And Mike? Thanks for smoothing things over with the other guys. I hope the power loss to deck four didn't screw up their experiment."

Mike slapped him on the shoulder, hard. "Don't worry, you only set US-Russian relations back about fifteen years and I learnt how to curse in another language. It's all good."

"Uh... great, I guess."

"Yeah. So, are we going to get any snaps from your telescope?"

"Well, I isolated the problem that was causing the power draw and squashed a few bugs in the code. Turns out, it was just some pesky mynocks chewing on the power cables."

"Mynocks?"

Howard grinned. "Yeah, you know, mynocks? The Millennium Falcon breaks down inside the cave inside the asteroid field that's inside the belly of a giant monster? Mynocks start chewing on the power cables and uh..." Howard's confidence shriveled under Mike's long stare. "Um... you know, The Empire Strikes Back? It was kind of a joke..."

"Uh huh. Funny."

"Yeah, okay never mind. Countdown from three?"

"Alright, Froot Loops. Just don't blow the hyperdrive on this Soviet tank. It's a long wait for AAA. Three, two, one..."

"Okay, watch this! Prepare to jump to hyperspace." Howard hit the enter key and the program controlling the telescope started up. "The telescope is talking to the software. Looks like everything is hunky-dory..."

Howard could barely keep up with the pages of code flowing down the screen before him. His fingers flew to the keyboard. "Come on, baby! Hold together. No, no, no!"

"What, Kirk? No light speed?"

Pop!

"What was that?"

Howard didn't hear him. He killed the program; the telescope had failed again. "It's just not fair," he said softly.

"So, Froot Loops, how do you say mynocks in Russian?"

###

At the fridge, Leonard shuffled the alphabetized juices but was careful not to replace the pomegranate before the peach. His head popped over the open refrigerator door. "Where's the beer I bought for Raj?" he called out.

"Oh! Don't ask me." Sheldon's eyes skittered from Leonard to Amy and back again.

"Why not?"

Sheldon's left eye twitched. "Because I don't know."

"What do you mean-" Leonard stopped short. "Wait, you know what? Whatever crazy you are selling, today I'm not buying." He rejoined the group around the coffee table with their Chinese take out. "Sorry Raj, no beer."

Raj lounged in Leonard's desk chair where Howard usually sat. He shrugged and bit an egg roll in half.

Penny was telling Bernadette a lively story about the Cheesecake Factory but Leonard paid only half attention. Next to him, Sheldon was shifting nervously in his spot, and Leonard watched curiously as a long but silent conversation passed between Sheldon and Amy. Amy tilted her chin, Sheldon raised a brow, she blinked while he stared at her and then he seemed to agree with a very slight nod. Leonard couldn't look away. It was fascinating, yet oddly terrifying.

Penny waved her fork for emphasis. "And then Heather-Lynn lost a shoe crossing the street. They were these cute little black ballerina flats with studs and now they were stained with-"

"Oh dear!" sighed Sheldon, like a southern belle on a daytime soap. "It's a shame Raj, that you can't self-medicate with alcohol and converse with all of us tonight," he said.

Penny's fork hung in mid-air. "Okay, what the hell was that? What's going on?"

"Nothing," Sheldon replied. "I am merely bemoaning the fact that Raj's selective mutism renders him as silent as a big stone head from Easter Island."

"You're bemoaning?"

"It means-"

"I know what it means," said Penny. "But, I don't get it: the last time we had egg rolls you threatened to perform Chinese water torture on Raj because he interrupted your story about the collider thingy in Switzerland. And all he wanted was to show us the mini pig jumping down the stairs on YouTube."

Raj grinned and bit into another egg roll.

Sheldon scowled. "Oh yes, that evening rather than expanding your mind with the antics of a miniature pig, I was merely attempting to explain to you," he raised his hands for air quotes, "'the big deal' about the super collider and how the Higgs field gives everything mass-"

She shushed him with a wave of her germy fork. "No, no, I got this; I listen to you guys. Um, everything is made up of these little particles that have no weight or size but are in a vacuum. But that extra stuff has to come from somewhere, right? Because, even though according to physics I have no weight or size I'm still a size 2 and weigh 110, okay, 115 pounds."

Leonard broke into a smile and Penny looked back and forth between him and Sheldon, clearly pleased with herself so far. Sheldon looked down at her with a raised brow and Penny appeared to take encouragement from it. Leonard waited to catch his eye. He knew that look meant Sheldon about rated her attempt to explain particle physics right up there with a parrot that recited the alphabet.

Penny went on, now more excited, "And then, Sheldon you said that getting mass is kind of like getting famous."

Sheldon's head rolled back, "Good lord, I never-"

She talked over him, "Okay, maybe you didn't say it, but it's pretty similar. At first you're a struggling actress at the Cheesecake Factory; no one knows or cares about you and you're a big fat zero. Then you get a commercial or maybe a guest spot on a cable TV series and you start attracting more and more things: fans, an IMDB page, photo shoots, your agent's attention, a message board, a few thousand twitter followers and you get heavier and heavier-" she stopped herself, remembering. "No, you get your mass from all these things being attracted to you as you move through the Higgs field, like a famous actress moving from Pasadena to Malibu. Which ironically, if you gained all that mass in real-life is about when you would also develop an eating disorder. How'd I do?"

"You got it," said Leonard, proudly.

Sheldon shook his head. "Yes, should I need to explain the Higgs field to Amy's capuchin monkey, I'll be sure to reference this analogy."

"Come on! That was pretty good! Raj?" He shrugged and Penny addressed her first question to Sheldon again, "So, why do you suddenly care if Raj can talk to us at dinner or not?"

"I don't. I just said it's a shame." Sheldon turned to Amy next to him on the couch. "Wouldn't you agree, Amy?" he prompted.

"Yes and it now occurs to me Sheldon, I think it's a perfect occasion to tell our friends about the solution I've thought of to help Raj converse with the female members of our social clique." She opened her laptop bag and dug out an eighties vintage Speak and Spell and handed it to Raj.

A breathy huff escaped out of Raj but he didn't need to find the words. What the hell was perfectly readable on his face.

Amy smiled. "It's a Speak and Spell. Popularized in children's movies including E.T.: the extra terrestrial and as Mr. Spell in Toy Story."

"Yes, but unlike E.T.'s, Rajesh's Speak and Spell won't make long distance calls to India. It won't 'phone home'," said Sheldon and he finished with a breathy laugh at his own joke.

Bernadette smiled weakly. "Oh, that's nice."

Penny nodded, taking this in. "Amy, do you think it might be well, a little... Leonard, help me out here?"

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll say it. Amy, don't you think giving Raj a kid's toy to use to cope with his selective mutism is kind of degrading?"

"Yes, of course it's degrading. I want to shame Raj into letting me attach electrodes to his head while he undergoes a series of experimental conditions to examine the neurological basis of his selective mutism."

Raj whimpered.

"You want to experiment on Raj?" asked Leonard.

"Yes, Leonard," said Amy, "with Howard's absence and Sheldon's abhorrence of germy breath in his ear, when Raj is sober you are his only means of communication to the larger social group. Without you, he is vulnerable."

"Vulnerable to who?"

"To whom," corrected Sheldon.

Leonard glared at him. "Fine. To whom?"

"Vulnerable to both society's expectations and his genetic imperative, of course. Raj is a single, well-groomed and attractive thirty year-old in his sexual prime. In the absence of alternative mates, he should attempt to court the females of his social group that are already bonded to the dominant, secondary and tertiary males to increase his own reproductive fitness. Instead, his complete failure to communicate and obtain genetic immortality via offspring severely affects his estimation of his own self-worth. Removing alcohol and the introduction of a children's toy as his only method of communication is designed to exploit these feelings."

Leonard sighed. Amy had explained this very earnestly, and he felt sure she had no idea that others might find any insult with either her scientific methods or her blunt way of presenting them. Leonard knew he should feel sorry for her, but instead he just felt the dull ache of frustration that was usually all Sheldon.

"Who's the alpha male, Amy?" Bernadette asked with a mischievous smile.

Amy snuck a glance at Sheldon. "I guess that depends on the behavior under study," she said carefully.

Sheldon looked at her. He opened his mouth and then closed it again.

"Amy, did you think of maybe giving Raj a beer and then just asking if he wanted to be in your experiment?" asked Penny.

Sheldon launched into a reply, "Actually Penny, studies by so-called social scientists have found that shame can be highly motivating. Now, I know you could argue that their methods of surveys and other hokum to collect data lack the proper independent controls and scientific rigor: you would be right. But, one can only expect so much from the humanities. Amy's attempt to manipulate Raj into participating in her research is likely to have had a higher chance of success than if she had asked him directly. We did the math."

Raj began stabbing at the keyboard and an electronic voice burst from the junky little orange computer. "S-H-E-L-D-O-N F-R-A-C-K Y-O-"

"Amy, Raj is your friend. He isn't a lab rat for your experiments," said Leonard.

"Yes, Raj is my friend and I'm helping him. No one has thought to assist him in determining a neurological or psychological basis for his condition. Instead, you have all encouraged a slide into alcohol abuse and have ignored the start of an inevitable decay into alcoholism, vagrancy and liver failure."

Raj mouth hung open, speechless.

"Amy, for the record, I have thought of assisting Raj. I just never wanted to," said Sheldon.

Raj jumped up from the desk chair and scurried to Leonard. He whispered into his ear, "Leonard, make them stop. I don't even want know what Circe and Mister Hyde have planned for me."

"Okay, okay," Leonard replied and he waved Raj away. Amy looked to them with wide, eager eyes. To hell with it, Leonard thought. He was curious. "So, what's the experiment, Amy?"

Raj let out a burst of air behind him.

"Raj will undergo a series of language tests with male and female undergraduate students present with and without alcohol, while I record his brain activity."

Amy looked deep into Raj's eyes and gave a tight toothy grin that Leonard guessed was supposed to be reassuring. It wasn't. "And, in addition to the alcohol treatment, if I can get approval from the ethics board, I'll give you Cheerios dusted with a little cocaine," she said.

Amy smiled again, all teeth. Sheldon studied her expression for a moment and then turned to Raj and mimicked it.

Okay, maybe it wasn't supposed to be menacing, but Leonard thought they looked as creepy as hell.

"You want to get him high?" asked Leonard, warily.

"Yes. According to Wikipedia, snorting cocaine is the preferred method of American college students but I believe simple ingestion of a small amount will also do the trick."

"Are you going to contrast the depressive effect of alcohol with a cocaine-induced euphoria?" asked Bernadette. She looked around to everyone else, "On Friday nights, my cousin drinks two-dollar well whiskeys and then at midnight snorts lines of coke off a toilet seat. She just got her masters in neuroscience." She smiled, impishly.

"Amy, if you want Raj in a state of euphoria then just take him out for a massage and a facial," said Leonard. "Where will you even get drugs from?"

"Weren't you listening Leonard? I work at a university; there are college students everywhere. But, if they think I'm a narc, Penny knows a guy." She winked at her bestie and kept on smiling despite Penny's dark look.

"You know a guy who can get Amy dope? Can he also get me, oh maybe a unicorn and the rough cut of the new Star Trek movie?" Leonard voice was light and airy but he wanted to cringe as the words tumbled out.

Penny smiled cooly. "Depends on what you're selling, sweetie."

"Amy," Sheldon got her attention with a light touch on her sleeve, "should you obtain enough cocaine from Penny to get Raj addicted, he could prove useful as a test subject for your addiction study in primates."

Raj made a strangled sound.

"Sheldon!" cried Leonard. "Amy is not going to get Raj hooked on cocaine. You're not, right?"

"I said she could, I didn't say she should do it."

"No, I'm not," said Amy. "I doubt the ethics board would allow it anyway. Those guys are giant buzz kills."

Raj whispered into Leonard's ear. "Tell her I'd rather go swimming in the Ganges and have the explosive diarrhoea rearrange my internal organs than be experimented on by her or Sheldon. Tell her, Leonard."

"Will it cure him?" asked Leonard.

Amy frowned. "No, of course not. I'm only interested in the neurological basis of his condition." She then looked at Raj, "But, if we find anything interesting I'll let you co-author any peer-reviewed journal publications."

Raj whispered fiercely, "Leonard, tell her. Tell Amy I'd rather lick the floor of the New Delhi bus station than let either of them near me."

Leonard was torn. He wouldn't want Amy or Sheldon experimenting on him either, but then he had no problem speaking to women. Leonard trended towards saying the wrong thing at the worst possible time. It was becoming a problem.

"Maybe you want to think about it?" Leonard suggested to him.

Raj dove back to Leonard's ear. "For the love of Ganesh, tell her no. Sheldon's crazy enough and Amy is into brains, I could end up like 'Jan in the pan': just a whiny severed head hooked to some electrodes in baking dish."

"Fine. He says no thanks. Sorry Amy."

"Oh, okay. That's cool," she replied and her shoulders drooped a little.

"Raj, you should listen to Amy's advice. If you don't start collaborating with more scientists whose work far outshines your own, you can't hope to advance in your career," said Sheldon.

Raj picked a dumpling from the table, licked it and tossed it back with the others so Sheldon could eat no more. He whispered into Leonard's ear.

"The clean version of what Raj just said is that Sheldon: you are a giant ass-hat."

"Raj, don't give up so easily," said Sheldon. "Your chance of a long career in physics is much better than Leonard's."

###

"And for Sheldon, a BBQ bacon cheeseburger with onion rings. BBQ sauce, bacon, cheese, tomato and lettuce all on the side," said Penny.

"Were gloves worn throughout?"

"Yes."

"Was the bacon grilled, not fried?"

"Yes."

"Canadian bacon, not American?"

"Yes."

"Was there any contamin-"

"No. The bacon and the beef never touched okay?"

He glanced down at his plate and then shot a look at Amy.

"Sheldon, only two weeks ago this Cheesecake Factory scored a 96 on the city's health inspection. I check the website regularly," said Amy.

Sheldon snorted, "I'm well aware of that. Who do you think requested the RSS feed?"

Penny snapped. "Your food is perfectly safe and I checked with the kitchen: we don't even keep the beef and bacon next to each other in the refrigerated storage to accommodate your new no meat-touching-other-meats-even-on-a-freaking-bacon-cheese-burger policy."

"No inter-species animal-product contamination policy. And did you check, Penny? Really?"

"Yeah, I made up that your special kind of cray-cray is a new diet fad. It's LA, so they bought it."

"Cray-cray?"

Penny was losing patience, "You know, crazy? You should be pretty familiar with the idea."

"It's a slang term popularized on the internet for something 'so crazy it takes two words to describe it,'" said Amy. Off his confused look she added, "Penny has been teaching me."

Sheldon considered this. "If it were popular on the internet, I think I would know about it. Thank you, Penny. You may go."

Penny rolled her eyes. "You're welcome, Sheldon. Enjoy date night. Now, I gotta go wait on tables where my tip doesn't depend on the American cheese being too yellow."

"It is, but I didn't want to be an inconvenience."

Penny huffed and Amy smiled and said, "Thanks, bestie."

Penny drifted away and they began their meal. As usual, Sheldon spent more time and energy talking and moving food around his plate than eating dinner. Occasionally, he would pause from the deconstruction of arguments for the Higgsless model of particle physics and, with a sudden stab and peck of his knife and fork, attack his dinner like a sit-and-wait praying mantis.

Ah, crap, thought Amy. She found even the way he ate kinda adorable.

"Sheldon, you are aware there is no evidence to suggest that any microbial or digestion benefit exists to keeping an inter-species separation of your dinner. I will therefore chalk up this new behavior as one of your irreverent and playful personality quirks."

"And Leonard says I'm pathologically afraid of shaking things up. How little he knows me. And how little gets past you, Amy Farrah Fowler."

Sheldon smiled at her and she returned a bashful grin.

She knew she was blushing, but damn it, why not? For once, Amy was genuinely happy with the current status of her life. She had always loved her work in neurobiology and now she had finally found a social group that accepted her.

Best of all she was delighted that Dr. Sheldon Cooper was her boyfriend. At work, he was a brilliant physicist at the bleeding edge of particle theory. He had NSF grants that physicists would envy in any dimension and a Nobel Prize within his grasp. Sheldon, her boyfriend, she considered the leader amongst a troop of good natured but, sadly, not-so innovative research scientists. Plus one engineer. In her eyes, he didn't just have friends but was the popular guy, a social sun to his orbiting friends and neighbor. By night, he was a witty conversationalist, sing-a-long enthusiast, and the genuine hand-holding boyfriend to her good self, Amy Farrah Fowler. And, she thought he had a cutie booty.

She had a boyfriend, a bestie and forty-two subscribers to a weekly video podcast. If this was what prom queen felt like, Amy could now see why in teen movies the popular girl was also the alpha bitch. It was great to finally have a career, a boyfriend, and a posse she could be truly hated for.

"Amy, I move that the last date's minutes be considered as read and agreed to. I think we can agree that date night at your apartment was enjoyable."

"I'm glad you think so. Perhaps, we should make it a regular occurrence?"

"If you wish; the activity for every other date night is yours to decide. Now, tonight's agenda: after dinner we will be attending the 8 p.m. session of The Avengers. In 2D, of course, because I hate modern 3D movies and due to your amblyopia or lazy eye." He waved his iPhone at her. "I reserved our preferred seats while you washed up."

Amy appreciated the gesture; side aisle seating was a pet hate of hers. But, she felt some excitement for the evening ebb away. She had wondered whether he might follow her lead and use his date night to do something special for her. Or, to even suggest a movie that she might have had a speck of interest in.

"Okay, but won't you be bored watching the movie again?" she asked.

"Yes. Except for the Star Wars trilogy, Star Wars fan-edits, and the classic original series of Star Trek, my memory makes repeat viewings especially tedious. However, some months ago I instituted a spoiler ban for The Avengers upon all my friends. After 143 minutes of Joss Whedon's excellent movie, I unknowingly missed nearly an extra minute due to Leonard and Koothrappali's urgent need to use the bathroom before the end of the credits. And, I'd had a 42-ounce red and blue icee."

"We're going to sit through a two and a half hour movie you have only just seen for less than a minute of new footage?"

"Not new, technically. I've already watched the scene on YouTube."

He was brilliant, handsome, lanky, and had a sexy pallor to his skin. But, Amy knew her geeky boyfriend was definitely not cool.

"I've heard this is enjoyable for a superhero movie," said Amy.

Sheldon's lips pursed and he looked as if he wanted to dispute her comment. Instead, he said, "Alright, I propose we move on to the convention of inquiring about each other's day."

"Wait, first I want to open another topic for discussion."

"By all means."

"I want to talk about the progress of our relationship. Due to recent events, I propose that a revision be made to the relationship agreement. Specifically, the section on hand-holding."

"No, that doesn't interest me," he said quickly. "Amy, did you know that the moai statues, or big heads of Easter Island, are over 800 years old and that there are nearly 1000 on an Island the size of the District of Columbia?"

"No, I didn't," she said patiently. "That is an interesting factoid. Now, it is date night and I-"

He cut her off. "And, the wooden sleds built to erect the statues were probably the cause of the complete deforestation on the island and that led to the collapse of social order and cannibalism. Makes you think that when the polar ice cap has melted and flooded the agricultural land of southern California, we may have to choose who is the first to be eaten among our social group."

"Rajesh. Howard is saved by his ability to make light of any situation. Certainly, the cannibalism of our friends will require a certain levity to stomach."

Sheldon looked pleased. "Correct. A skill that will save him until only the three of us are left."

"Now, don't change the subject. I want to talk about how our relationship will be moving forward."

"Forward? No, Amy what is there to talk-"

"Excuse me. The agreement dictates that all relationship matters are to be raised at the monthly date night. You have to listen, it's in the agreement."

He grunted. "Fine."

"In its current state, the section on hand-holding is too restrictive. The agreed upon circumstances for hand-holding do not adequately cover either accidental, common place, or even mutually desirable instances of hand-to-hand touching."

"Desirable? Really, Amy?"

"Yes, I will give an example of each. Accidental: at the movies our hands have frequently come into contact when reaching for shared popcorn. While not hand-holding per se, the agreement is not specific about what that term means. It's non-sensical that such incidental contact should possibly render both of us in breach of the agreement."

Amy classed this as accidental touching. It wasn't, but she figured Sheldon didn't need to know that piece of information.

"That would never occur if you had your own popcorn. You decline and then eat mine anyway. Leonard tells me this exasperating behavior is a common flaw in females. But, I have a solution for you: there will be no more sharing of food items at the theater."

"Fine. Hot beverages: you have frequently brushed my hand when passing me tea. I suppose you will tell me I should make my own tea to avoid it happening again?"

Sheldon nodded. "Yes, that would limit the transmission of your germs to me via the safe passage of a hot beverage. However, social protocol dictates the host must serve the beverage. I will be more careful in the future," he said.

"You held my hand in a moment of desire for emotional support at Howard's launch. There is no allowance for this behavior in the current agreement."

"No, there isn't."

"Then you concede that a revision should be made."

"I concede nothing."

"Then why not?"

Sheldon hunched over the straw in his water glass and drew up a very long sip. He looked like a child and he was prepared to make her wait as if he were one too.

"Amy." Sheldon paused again to wipe his palms with a napkin. "Amy, I do not expect any of my other friends to ever be shot above the atmosphere with the power of a small nuclear explosion. Frankly, I can hardly believe Howard was. There is no reason to change the agreement to cater for the emotional fallout of further space exploration."

"Sheldon."

"Amy, I'm very uncomfortable. This is my date night and I strongly advocate a change of subject."

"No. Explain your reluctance to alter the agreement."

His tone sharpened, "It's unnecessary. I generously overlooked your emotional outburst after receiving the tiara rather than issuing you with a breach of contract. The same should apply in this instance. Precedent has been set."

"But Sheldon, allowing the occasional expression of emotion in the relationship agreement would guide our behavior when unexpected feelings arise. Like most things in the universe, our thoughts and our feelings are not fully under our control."

A smug smile grew across his face and Amy prepared herself to hear something very insulting.

"Amy, as you know, I have an eidetic memory. In the parlance of the Glendale Galleria, I say, 'Carl Sagan is my homeboy.' As appealing as having a girlfriend who quotes Sagan might be, it won't distract me from your hopelessly flawed logic."

"Then defend. Your mockery suggests you're simply stalling for time."

His smile slid away and he began lecturing her. "Amy, we can't just modify the agreement on some emotionally driven whim of yours. The whole point of it is to clearly define the relationship status that exists between us and maintain the expression of emotions at an appropriate level: zero."

"Zero?" she cried. "Seriously?"

"Yes. I will concede that the relationship is not emotionless; we are not above that human frailty, unfortunately. But there is no need to express it any verbal or physical manner. The agreement says you are my girlfriend and therefore implies I must be fond of you. That is enough."

"But what if I want to hold hands just like any normal couple?"

"Oh, Lord! Amy, there is no need for more hand-holding. The agreement is designed to satisfy your emotional desires for a special relationship with me without the utter chaos of letting your endocrine system take control. And, I hope I don't have to point out why we are not normal."

"If you are perfectly satisfied by the agreement why did you want to hold my hand?"

Sheldon squirmed in his seat. "Amy, I understand my taking your hand has deeply affected you in some way; that is a natural reaction. But, you should aim to better yourself by overcoming your lower urges. A Google search on practicing kolinarh would be a good start."

"Sheldon, I'm only suggesting a wider range of circumstances for hand-holding. Not that we strip naked and fornicate with the unbridled lust of baboons in estrous while the patrons of the Cheesecake Factory cheer us on."

Sheldon winced. "Amy!"

"New instances for hand-holding could include reassurance, companionship or while watching a scary movie. You want to see that new Aliens movie soon. Isn't that supposed to be scary?"

"Prometheus is the prequel to Ridley Scott's sci-fi classic Alien, not Aliens. Aliens is the excellent sequel to Alien. Alien 3 is awful and the screenwriters have earned a spot on my list for ruining what should have been another classic sci-fi trilogy. FYI, like episodes I through III of Star Wars, I do not acknowledge other sequels in the Alien franchise as existing in this, or any, universe."

"We could hold hands in the movie theater if you change the agreement."

"Hmm. Leonard reacted very strangely when I last tried to hold his hand in a scary bit at the movies. Luckily, Raj was there too. You just want to add hand-holding?"

"For now, yes."

Amy began to hope her germophobic boyfriend was ready to take another small step and grant her an exception in his ordered life. The wonder Amy had felt at Howard's launch when Sheldon reached for her washed over her again. They were ready, she thought, and Sheldon would agree.

"Thank you, but I must decline." He said this too happily for her liking. "Modifying the agreement seems like an unnecessary step when the chances are poor that a prequel to a sci-fi classic will be worth seeing."

"Sheldon, you're being illogical."

"I hardly think so. Prequels are awful. I move that this discussion be suspended-"

"Denying your emotions and trying to substitute them with the agreement won't eliminate anything you might be feeling. It might even make you more emotional when an outburst occurs."

"I assume you are voting negative. Therefore, the topic is closed. The motion was tied. And, as you know, I settle all ties."

She sighed. "Sheldon."

"Not my fault, Amy. You should have gotten a lawyer."

"Sheldon, right now your emotional right-brain is giving a noogie to your logical scientific side. Hand-holding is a mutually desirable physical element to add to our relationship. When you are ready to discuss it, let me know."

He pursed his lips and she challenged him again with a quirk of her brow. His mouth opened and closed, but he said nothing and then flagged down Penny for their check.

Amy wasn't disappointed in not getting her way. She'd walked them very far from safe ground, skewered his logic and then planted doubt in the ability of the agreement to save him from an emotional hell of an adult relationship. Her plan to grow his budding feelings for her had only just begun, but she was already pleased with the results. While Sheldon's work was theoretical, Amy's was all practical. And she never gave up on promising data.

END OF PART ONE.

This story is like a sad little tumor: it's all by itself and needs a beta reader. Please PM me if you're interested.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO.

"Hey! Hey! Shelnard is home!" Raj sung out.

Leonard waved hello and dropped his keys in the bowl. "Shelnard?"

Sheldon pushed the door wide open, shock and confusion flushed over his face. "Wh-what are you doing in our apartment?"

"Yeah, Shelnard!" Raj smiled and took a swig of his beer. "I was thinking about how all of you guys are in these relationships, but that we have never recognized the beautiful bromance of Sheldon and Leonard."

"Raj, I demand to know how you gained entry to our apartment thereby breaking both the trespass law of the city of Pasadena, and the implied covenant of friendship by entering without our expressed consent."

"Bromance? God, you need to meet a girl," said Leonard.

"Raj, you have left me no choice but to issue you with a strike."

"No, Sheldon! That's two and I can't take the class again!" he jumped up from the couch and threw up his hands. "It was Penny, she let me in."

"Then she will also be issued with a strike."

"Where is Penny?" asked Leonard.

"She had a spin class and then had to run some errands," replied Raj.

Leonard looked up from checking his email and frowned. "You weren't at lunch, did you even go to work today?" he asked.

"I took a stress day. I can't concentrate on astrophysics when Howard might be incinerated by radiation from a rogue solar flare at any moment."

Leonard glanced at the carry pack of beer on the coffee table. Four of Raj's friends had already left the party. "Then you've been here all afternoon alone? Drinking?"

Raj shrugged and slumped back into the couch. "Yes and no. I was at the comic book store until Stuart asked me to leave. He said that a grown man crying in his store would discourage new customers and reinforce an unfortunate stereotype."

"You were actually crying? In public? Raj, that's not good."

"Yes Leonard, and don't be so heartless. The marriage of Northstar and Kyle in the Astonishing X-Men is a beautiful, beautiful thing."

"Okay, sorry."

"To cheer myself up I went to the pet store and bought a gorgeous, diamanté incrusted collar in pink leather for my little Yorkie, Princess Peach. She's at the groomers today getting a pedicure and a new haircut. With her new collar, she'll look simply smashing when I take her out for coffee tomorrow." Raj smiled, dreamily.

Leonard's eyebrows shot up. "You're taking your dog for a coffee date? I know you miss Howard but it's just getting creepy now."

"It's not a date! Just because Princess and I had a beautiful picnic and went for a moonlight stroll yesterday, doesn't make it a date. People take their dogs to the park Leonard! And, they buy them treats just to see their little faces light up."

"Oh, sure," Leonard drawled. "Got it. Not a date."

"I don't care what you think about her," Raj spat back. "Princess is just going to love the fairy wings and little doggy tiara I ordered for Halloween."

Sheldon turned and stared. "Amy's right. Alcoholism has already led to mental degradation. You should seek psychiatric help immediately."

"He doesn't need a psychiatrist. He just needs a girl," said Leonard.

"Leonard, just because your relationship with your mother and years of therapy during your childhood and adolescence has made you deeply skeptical of psychiatry doesn't mean that Raj wouldn't benefit from pharmaceutical intervention. Or shock-therapy."

"They don't do that anymore," said Leonard.

"Only because the American Medical Association is full of hippies."

Raj's smile drooped. "Maybe I should be in Amy's experiment. At least I'd get to drink alcohol and talk to pretty girls. Maybe even get a real date."

"You're actually thinking about letting her glue electrodes to you?" asked Leonard.

"Why shouldn't he?" replied Sheldon. "Amy's work on the neurological mechanisms that underlie the formation of addiction has altered her field. Amy gets brilliant results whenever she applies her mind to a problem; you could learn a lot about experimental work there, Leonard. And Raj should jump at the chance to be a part of it."

"That's true. It'd be nice to work with a brilliant mind whose theories aren't untestable," Raj baited him. "Maybe I should team up with the more successful half of Shamy."

"Excuse me! In what universe is Amy more successful than me?"

"Her funding was just renewed, she got that Neuron cover last year; that was a pretty big deal, renovated lab space-"

"Oh hogwash," said Sheldon has he leaned over his desk to tap at the laptop with one hand. "You are forgetting that Amy is a biologist. She deals in the humdrum minutiae of living things. I seek to understand the universe and thereby all it encompasses."

"You know, maybe you're right," said Raj. He got off the couch and stood to Sheldon's left pretending to look with him at the laptop's screen. A cheeky smile grew slowly over Raj's face. Quickly, he slipped his hand into Sheldon's and gave it a little squeeze.

Sheldon's eyes bugged wide and he jerked his arm, trying to fling Raj off him like an insect. "What are you doing?!"

Raj burst with laughter but hung on against Sheldon's thrashing for as long as possible. Sheldon wrung his hand away and then cupped it with his other hand against his chest. His mouth opened and he gaped wordlessly.

Leonard chuckled. "Raj, play nice with the Sheldon."

"Why did you do that?" Sheldon demanded. He paused and then his eyes narrowed, "Did Amy put you up to this?"

"What? No," Raj began to giggle. "It's just that when I saw you holding Amy's hand the other week, I decided I wanted some of that action. We're friends too, right Cuddles?"

"That's another strike! You're taking the class."

Raj's laughter descended into a groan and he fell back onto the couch. Leonard looked up at Sheldon, he was breathing heavy and his face was flushed. "Sheldon, play nice with Raj or I'll tattle to your mother."

Sheldon whipped around and stabbed the air with his finger. "You too! You both get a strike!"

"Huh? What did I do?"

"You repeated that ridiculous name that Amy gave me when she was three sheets to the wind on drugstore booze."

"He didn't, you know," said Raj. "You said it yourself when you fell asleep while we were watching Fringe last Friday." Raj's head fell back against the couch and his eyes closed. "Amy," he drawled her name out like taffy, just like Sheldon, "don't call me Cuddles."

"I didn't," Sheldon breathed.

"Yeah, you did," Leonard said and smiled.

Sheldon's eyes darted between Leonard and Raj. "Leonard, your strike is rescinded, Raj yours stands." He swallowed and then quickly sat down at his desk and began typing.

Leonard sent a grateful look to Raj and they bumped fists behind Sheldon's back. "Thanks," Leonard mouthed the word silently.

#####

Penny burst into the apartment without bothering to knock. "Hey fellas! Ready for dinner?"

Sheldon looked up from his desk. "Where's the food," he said bluntly.

"Wow, nice to see you too, Sheldon."

Leonard dropped a kiss on her cheek. "Careful Penny, Sheldon's issuing strikes tonight."

"Oh god," she moaned, "what did you do to him? Forget to windex the mirror after your shower? Get a spoon caught in the garbage disposal? Ooh, I know, you put his Batman mug through the dishwasher again, didn't you?"

"Penny, while normally I brush aside your dim-witted barbs at my expense, I have been sorely tested. You already earned a strike tonight, only two more and you'll be taking the class with Raj."

"What the hell? You don't give me strikes Sheldon, or I'll call your Mom again. How did I get a strike anyway? I just got here!"

"You let Raj into our apartment without permission, ergo you get a strike. My mother would agree that accessory to trespass is a sin and a crime worthy of punishment by a higher being."

"You take off that strike Sheldon, or I'm calling you Mom right now."

He stared and her and she stared right back. He broke first.

"Fine!" he spat. "Rescinded."

Raj looked as if he was about to speak, but Sheldon turned and stared him down, daring him to try the same tactics. Raj gulped and looked away. As he did, Amy and Bernadette came in to the apartment with bags of Thai take-out.

"Hello, Sheldon." Amy smiled.

He looked up quickly and then bent back to his screen. "Hi."

Raj scooted over to let Amy sit in the middle of the couch and Penny began passing out the plates, "Don't worry Amy, it's not you," she said. "Sheldon's got his cranky pants on and is giving  
out strikes tonight."

"Strikes?" Amy asked, "Sheldon, what are strikes?"

All the others moaned in chorus. "No!"

"I issue strikes when my friends grievously break my rules. It's a sports analogy; three strikes and you're out." He sat in his spot and began helping himself to the food.

Amy studied him, curiously. "I didn't think you were familiar with baseball analogies."

He looked at her, paused a beat, and then said, "Some more than others. Raj and Penny earned one strike each for trespass and Raj just got another."

"Wow. What was the second for?" asked Penny.

"He got mad when I-"

"It doesn't matter," Sheldon cut him off.

Raj looked miffed. "Because I tried to hold his-"

"Stop it! Or that's another strike!"

"-hand and then I called him Cuddles." Raj bounced in his seat and smiled. "And see by telling you all, I just called him Cuddles again. Oh, no he didn't?" Raj snapped his fingers in the air. "Oh, yes I did."

Penny, Leonard and Bernadette swallowed down their laughter, smiled, and waited for the wrath of Sheldon. Sheldon hunched down in his spot like a coiled spring and twitched. He groomed his rice back and forth and then looked past Amy to Raj on the other end of the couch. "You have no more strikes," he said in a tone so tranquil it was near terrifying. "Now get out."

"Sheldon, Raj is merely engaging in some harmless teasing of our happy relationship at your expense. You should indulge him and then bring the mockery to a swift close before it grows tedious," said Amy.

"Why? The protocol is to banish him from the apartment."

"Teasing is an important social lubricant in human relationships, Sheldon. And well, we shouldn't begrudge his mocking our relationship when the lack of research into selective mutism is likely to mean he will spend the next fifty years alone before being eaten by a domestic animal."

Sheldon looked a little cheered by her remarks.

She continued, "I also don't understand why you gave a strike to Penny and Raj for trespass. Should I have issued you one when you broke into my apartment during my date with Stuart?"

Raj grinned, "Oh, no, she di-"

"Raj!" Leonard interrupted him.

"That's different. And you can't issue me with a strike," said Sheldon. He looked quickly between Amy and Bernadette. "Which of you must I repay for dinner? I know Penny didn't purchase this."

Penny rolled her eyes and grabbed a fish cake on her way to the kitchen. Leonard popped up to join her at the counter. He smiled at her. "Hey, seems like I haven't seen you for awhile." He leaned in for a brief peck.

"I know, but we're going out tomorrow, right?"

"Yep, got some big plans, too. I learnt my lesson from last time: no firearms and no Star Wars socks. But, I'll be wearing my Green Lantern briefs if that's of any interest?"

Penny smiled at first and said, "Leonard, is it okay if we just take it easy and catch a movie tomorrow night?"

His cheerfulness was gone. "Sure, whatever you want." He paused and then blurted, "You want to restart the beta test, don't you?"

"No," she said.

"No?"

"No. Let's just keep it low-key."

"Low-key? What does that even-?"

Right then, a Skype call rung into Leonard's computer; Howard was calling in from space. They some cleared space and crowded around the laptop on the coffee table.

"Hey sweetie," said Bernadette, "how are you?"

"Hi Bernie, hi guys!"

"Hey Howard! I can't believe you're on the international space station," said Leonard.

"Yep, it's pretty amazing. Watch this!" Howard undid the buckle on his seat and his body slowly rose out of his seat in the microgravity.

The living room echoed with oohs and ahhs. "You are so lucky, Howard," said Leonard.

"Yep. I'm lucky I've got such a great gal like Bernadette. So lucky, I even tricked her into being my wife," he grinned. Then he said with faux surprise, "Oh you mean this space thing? Yeah, I guess this is pretty good too."

"Actually Howard, you're lucky to be Skyping us today at all. Astronauts onboard the ISS didn't even have access to the internet until two years ago. They had all their emails relayed by NASA," said Sheldon.

"I know, Sheldon. I think I might know just a little bit more about the space station than you do. And, why is that again?" he scratched his chin. "Ooh right, it's because I'm in space and you're not."

"Well, did you know the Russian command and navigation system that controls the entire ISS was built in the eighties? The iPhone in my pocket has about five hundred times the RAM."

"Yeah, but can your phone complete an orbit of Earth in 90 minutes?" replied Howard, tersely. "Listen, who cares about that, you guys are not going to believe what I have here!" He clapped his hands with glee. Howard untied a drawstring bag from a secure knot that kept it from floating away. He opened it and pulled out a narrow, 12 inch long chrome cylinder with a few buttons, some strange bumps and a black grip at one end.

Leonard recoiled in shock, "Oh my god! Howard!"

"Dude!" yelled Raj.

"NO!" screamed Sheldon, his hands slapped to his cheeks.

Penny, Amy and Bernadette looked nearly as shocked, but they were more surprised by the boys's reaction than what Howard was bouncing from palm to palm.

"Howard, is it the real thing?" asked Leonard, a little breathless.

"Yep, or as real as it gets. George Lucas sent it up here in 2007 for the 30th anniversary." Howard laughed and with two hands clasped around it began to make sword fighting sweeps.

"Howie, what is it?" asked Bernadette.

He stopped swishing his arms and looked at Bernadette as though he thought she should know better. "A lightsaber. It's the actual prop used by Mark Hamill in Return of the Jedi."

"You are so lucky, Howard! You are amazing!" Raj gushed. "You're an astronaut and now a Jedi Knight all rolled into one tiny package!"

"No! No! NO!" Sheldon moaned and he flung his arms to his side.

"Get over it, man," said Raj to Sheldon. "You sound like Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith."

"Yeah, and now Return of the Jedi, too," grumbled Leonard. "Thanks, Lucas."

Sheldon recovered a little with this charge leveled at him. "Yeah, well, Howard you're going to miss The Avengers when you're up there. That's too bad, cause it was great," he gloated.

A smug grin grew across Howard's face, "Au contraire. NASA is going to uplink the movie from Houston."

Sheldon blanched and looked a little sick.

"That's great!" said Amy, brightly. "You'll be able to enjoy lazy character development, gaping plot holes, and an eye-watering sequence of never-ending destruction of Manhattan from space."

Sheldon turned to her, looking pale and thoroughly confused. "What are you saying? I assumed you liked the movie. All my friends like Joss Whedon and superheroes. That's why they're my friends."

Amy shrugged and then looked away. Sheldon kept on looking at her while he struggled to make sense of this new data.

"Can you email some photos the telescope has taken?" asked Raj.

"Ah, I don't know- that's classified," Howard replied, quickly.

"Dude, how can pictures of deep space you take with Russian's standing over your shoulder be classified?"

"If I told you it wouldn't be classified, would it?"

"Fine, I get it. Maybe you can send the Americans here your space photos," Raj sat back in a huff. "So racist."

"Raj, there's no photos okay?"

"Why not?"

"It's just- I can't send any now."

The guys talked a little about their plans for Comic Con for when Howard would be back and then disconnected the call. Soon after, the girls left to talk in Penny's apartment and Sheldon and Leonard sat down to work at their desks. Raj was alone on the couch.

"So, wait... that's it? No vintage video game night? Because the other white guy isn't here, it's not worth hanging out and playing Zelda on the NES?"

"I have a better question: why are you still here?" asked Sheldon. "You should be at home taking the online class if you ever want the privilege of being my friend again."

Raj heaved himself off the couch and shouted out the front door. "Bernadette! Wait for me!"

#####

"Are you alright, Bernadette? You were really quiet at dinner." Penny passed her a wine glass and poured another, a little too full, for herself. "Are you and Howard's mom getting along ok?"

Bernadette nodded. "Yes, we're fine. This morning I took her to the podiatrist for her bunions. And then afterward, I spent nearly $150 on a pedicure, foot lotion and aloe vera infused bed-socks at the mall." She took a sip of wine and her dainty nose crinkled. "Raj is right, your feet really do wear every single step."

Raj took a drink. "And so easily neglected. Don't worry," he smiled to the other two girls. "I've got a guy, I'll give you his number."

"You've got a guy?" Penny's brows arched.

"For a pedicure!" he shot back. "Geeze. Turns out even on girl's night we aren't 'free to be you and me'."

Bernadette sighed. "Maybe I shouldn't have any wine; I don't want to be too tired to drive. I've been so worried about Howard I haven't been sleeping much."

"Are you worried about the loss of gravity resulting in an extreme atrophy of muscle mass from his tiny, bird-like limbs?" asked Amy.

Bernadette spoke with a clenched jaw. "No. That's not what I'm worried about."

"Really? Prolonged exposure to microgravity could leave Howard withered and in need of significant physical therapy when he returns. Also, your already postponed honeymoon will probably be a real let down, so to speak."

Penny sent her pleading look. "Amy, really? That's not helpful to Bernadette."

"Well, maybe she should be worried," said Amy, sulkily.

"Bernadette, honey, what's up?" asked Penny. "I mean, besides the fact your husband is in outer space."

"Howard told me to keep this a secret but I don't know how I can; I'm really worried about him."

"Why? What happened?"

She sighed. "We've been able to talk a lot on Skype, not for long but a few minutes, here and there, nearly everyday. I know he was bragging and joking around with the guys, but things aren't going so great. He's really lonely and the other astronauts are being mean to him."

"What? Why?" asked Penny.

"There aren't any pictures from from the telescope because it isn't working. The Russian's completed the spacewalk to install it but there's something wrong with the way the software Howard wrote talks to the Russian service module that controls most of the station. He said it was like trying to run Modern Warfare 3 on hardware built for Ms Pacman."

"Wow, that's rough," said Raj.

"Yeah, well, he's had to rewrite a lot of the code and then he had some hardware problem that only affected the Russian segments of the station. It caused a shutdown of the non-essential power and cooling systems, and the Russians wanted to start world war three over it!" Bernadette yelled and pounded her tiny fists against her thighs. "The big jerks!"

Raj's face fell. "240 vertical miles from a cool shower in a tin can with sweaty Russians. Poor Howard."

"I know. And what's worse is they won't have the parts to fix it until the next Russian Progress supply ship arrives. It's hot up there and now the other astronauts won't speak to him."

"When the other children, high-schoolers, undergrads and grad students would stop talking to me, I used to make my own imaginary friends. Maybe Howard could too," said Amy.

Penny's bottom lip jutted out. "Aww Amy, really? That's so sad."

"No, it was great! And you guys are just what I imagined my friends would be like one day: a blonde-goddess bestie, a bookish second-bestie, a posse of cute boys that followed me around and a tall, dreamy boyfriend who hung on every word I said." Amy quirked a brow, leaned towards Penny and whispered, "And my imaginary dreamboat was pretty well-hung in certain other areas too. Get it?"

Penny grimaced. "Got it."

"Yes," Amy continued, "we had some great times climbing into our spray-painted van and solving mysteries around town," she smiled, lost in her imagination. "We still hang out sometimes."

Bernadette frowned. "Really? Why do you need imaginary friends? You have us now."

Amy shot her an annoyed look. "Don't you get jealous too. Having one second-bestie eaten up with rivalry is already more drama than I care to handle."

"Amy, I don't think Howard is going to make any imaginary friends while he's in space. He doesn't have that many on the ground to begin with," said Bernadette, sadly.

Raj patted her on the shoulder. "I miss Howard too. On Fridays, Howard and I usually stop at Jamba Juice on our way to work. And today," Raj began to sniff, "I didn't want my Mango-a-go-go without him!"

Raj's face crumpled and his breathing hitched with dry sobbing. Bernadette pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder. She soothed him with slow rub on his back. "Shhh, it's okay Raj. Howard only has another two weeks, that's not so bad. And he still has Skype to call us and the Internet to keep him company."

"Yeah, the whole Internet. That's Facebook, tumblr and 99% porn," said Penny, chuckling into her wine glass. "Howard will be fine."

#####

Amy and Bernadette said their goodbyes leaving Penny and Raj alone in her apartment. Penny busied herself in the kitchen and hoped Raj would also get the idea it was time to leave. She didn't want to have to throw him out on his ear, he was sad and missing his best friend, but he was also drunk. Penny looked at the front door, still ajar from when the girls departed. She couldn't offer him the couch, not with Leonard just across the hall. It was already awkward enough, she didn't want Leonard to see Raj leaving her apartment tomorrow morning and then recall her own walk of shame from his bedroom. Last year was already ancient history, as far as Penny was concerned.

"Penny?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I miss Howard."

"I know, sweetie. Literally never in a million years did I think I would say this, but I kind of miss him too."

"Do you think he'll come home safe?" Raj looked at her with his big and sad puppy-dog eyes.

How the hell should I know? She thought. But she said, "Of course."

Raj sighed and heaved himself off the couch. He staggered a step or two towards the door and stopped to look at her over his shoulder. "I miss him so much. We have so much in common: we love science, comic books, movies, going to the arboretum, kite flying, roller skating, and the Thriller music video. Don't tell the DC fanboys," he jerked his thumb towards the building hallway and whispered, "Howard and me are Marvel all the way."

"Uh-huh." Penny was loosing patience. It just occurred to her that Leonard could pop over at any minute just to say goodnight. She needed Raj out the door right now.

"I don't want to lose Howard," he said, sadly.

"He'll be back, and you guys will be hanging out at the comic book store again soon, just like always."

"But, it won't be just like always, ever again. Everything is different now."

"No, come on. He just went to space. In 20 years, everyone will be doing it," she replied.

Penny pretended not to catch any deeper meaning. Losing your best friend to his wife when you were already alienated from half the people on Earth was a bag of hurt Penny didn't want to touch. Acting dumber than she was had its advantages. She gave him a friendly pat on the back and steered him towards the door. "Want me to call you a cab?" she asked.

Raj nodded and he took half a step towards the door. With one hand on his back, she took a full step and her breasts bumped against his upper arm. His head turned and she felt his hot breath on her cheek. "Me and Howard even have the same taste in women: blondes," he slurred.

"O-Kay, time for you to go."

"Penny don't deny it: you are craving some brown sugar tonight."

She grabbed him by the ear and pulled him towards the front door.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Penny!" he yelped, instantly sober.

She let go of his ear and swung the door wide open. "Party's over, Romeo. And you are a real ass when you're drunk. Shame on you."

"I know!" he cried and burst into tears. Before she knew it, Raj had engulfed Penny in a hug and had begun sobbing onto her shoulder. "Penny, I'm so alone! I'll never find a woman I can talk to. Amy is right, I'll end up dying alone and be found three weeks later half-eaten by Alsatians!"

Sobs wracked his body and Penny gave him a half-hearted pat on the back. "There, there," she said. She began inching him out into the hall.

"It's true! I'll be alone forever!"

"Come on, there's someone out there for you. I'm sure of it. It's just the whole not speaking to women thing is making it a little tougher to find her."

They were in the middle of the hallway. "But even when I get drunk and can talk to girls, I don't know what to say and then I just end up being an ass."

"You just need some more practice. If you somehow got used to speaking to me or Bernadette you might get more confident around other women. Think of us like sisters: girls you will never, ever sleep with."

"What about Amy?"

"Her too."

Penny realized she would have to warn Bernadette to watch out for Raj when he was drunk. Raj needed company, but if he was just going to hit on her and Bernadette then he deserved to wait it out, pathetic and alone, until Howard returned. Some best friend he was, she thought.

They reached the other side of the hall and she knocked on 4A. Sheldon opened the door in his pajamas and before he could object, Penny shoved Raj out of her arms towards him. Sheldon threw up two flat palms against his chest and Raj bounced off him and then he stumbled and clawed at the door frame for balance.

"He's drunk and he's lonely. What beverage do you serve?"

Sheldon grimaced and then his shoulders slumped. "Coffee," he sighed.

#####

AN: A lightsaber went into space with the Discovery shuttle for 14 days in 2007. The shuttle docked with the ISS but the lightsaber never came out of its locker. Sad. Next up: the bromance continues.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE.

"Bernie! I asked you not to tell! I didn't want the guys to find out no one likes me in space!"

"I know! I'm sorry," said Bernadette as she plucked at the leopard spotted sheets on Howard's bed. It was her bed now too, she realized. Just like the replica lightsabers, the Princess Leia figurines and the closet full of magic tricks were now hers as well as Howard's. Dr and Mr Wolowitz. Dr. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. She liked the flow of consonants over the tongue.

Bernadette was looking forward to merging her and Howard's lives and their possessions together in their own home. She could see it already: her conservative tastes of pastel cushions, pastel orchids and pastel bed sheets with a big streak of geek running throughout the house. She thought of the life-size time machine from the movie The Time Machine currently residing in Mrs Wolowitz's garage. Just two weeks of marriage with an absent husband had taught Bernadette that married life was about sacrifice. And more sacrifices would need to be made; a time machine was just one of the things Howard would have to leave behind at his mother's.

Bernadette was staying in Howard's room while he was away. She still had her own apartment, but to put Howard's mind at ease she'd agreed to sleep at his mother's house. So far, her obligations had only been running errands and dropping her mother-in-law at appointments. But, there was always the chance Mrs. Wolowitz would need a hand out of the tub. When the time came, Bernadette would be prepared: she had Raj on speed dial and he couldn't argue back.

Bernadette looked down into the choppy Skype video on her laptop. "I know I shouldn't have, but I told Raj, Penny, and Amy that you were being bullied. It was just—I'm really worried about you and I miss you so much."

"Oh, I guess it's okay," Howard grumbled, no longer upset. Howard's inability to stay mad at her was just one of the many things she loved in him. Where she held grudges with the bitter rage of the old testament God, Howard forgave easily and his soft-hearted nature was beginning to rub off. It helped that no matter how hard he screwed up, he was unrelenting when trying to worm his way back into her good graces. Despite their problems, she knew in her heart that they were made for each other.

"Just don't tell Ma, alright?" he pleaded. "I don't want her calling up Houston and yelling at mission control. Last time was really embarrassing."

"I promise, I won't tell her."

"You didn't tell the guys the other astronauts figured out I'm responsible for the space toilet did you?"

"No."

"Okay, good," he nodded. "Don't."

"Is it that bad?"

"Well, no," said Howard as he scratched at his patchwork beard. "Not unless you consider a 1 in 10 chance of a docking load being propulsivley rejected a problem."

"Oh, Howie. I'm sorry it isn't going well. I miss you and I can't wait to have my husband back all to myself." Bernadette smiled saucily, "You know, I'm glad you can't shave in zero-gravity, you look sexy with a beard. I can't wait for my wild-man husband to return from conquering the deepest regions of the universe."

Howard smiled for the first time. "Me neither, Bernie. And you have no idea how much I miss you," his voice deepened, "no idea. And, I plan to do some more conquering when I'm at home. If you catch my drift?"

Bernadette struggled between smiling and rolling her eyes. She settled for both. "Yes, of course I do."

Howard grinned and then perked up in a lighter tone, "But hey, don't get jealous. You still have to share me with my Mom."

Bernadette gritted her teeth. "I told you she's not coming on our honeymoon."

"And she agreed. No honeymoon if she could squeeze her podiatrist into the reception. I can't wait till I'm back, all this wedding stuff is over, and it's just the three of us at home."

"Yeah Howard, about that: I took your Mom out for lunch today, and she seemed to have completely forgotten that you told her you were moving in with me when you got home. She seemed to think I was the one moving in. When I set her straight, it took her so by surprise she started to choke on her pastrami on rye."

"Oh, I thought I mentioned it to her?" said Howard, uneasily.

"Yes. It must have slipped your mind." Bernadette stared at him.

His shoulders slumped. "Look, how could I? She was giving her little boy up to another woman and shooting him off into space all in the same week. I could hardly tell her I was moving out as soon as I got back. You know how she is, it'll kill her."

"So," began Bernadette, icily, "is there always going to be some excuse why we can't leave her house?"

"Um... no?"

"Good, because I signed up to marry you, not your mother. I've cleaned out my apartment to make room for your things and I'm going to start packing up your room."

"Packing? Okay, but please be careful with my comic books and uh, just leave the boxes in the closet marked "Gym Equipment" for me. And, maybe don't look under the bed. But you can pack my wardrobe sweetie, no problem. That should keep you busy for awhile."

Bernadette made a mental note to look in both places immediately. "Great. Then, after the reception and our honeymoon, we can move you in about a month after you get back."

"A month?" Howard squeaked. "Isn't that a little, uh soon, Bernie?"

Bernadette's ire was on the rise, and her shrill voice dropped a ragged octave. "Why would you say that Howard? When do you think it will be a good time? Maybe after another nine month gestation period do you think you'll be ready to leave your mother's womb?"

"No, no. A month is perfectly fine. But, uh, maybe I should wait to tell her when I'm back, you know, with two feet on the ground. I wouldn't want to upset her."

"No need for that. I'll take the computer downstairs and we are going to tell her now."

Howard began to panic. "Bernie! I don't want to put any more stress on her, now isn't a good time!"

"Howard, I am going to speak to your mother and you had better back me up. Or when you come home from space, you won't have to worry about choosing between your mom and me anymore."

"Would that be because you and my mom have come to an amicable arrangement?" he asked lightly, in a last ditch attempt to make her laugh.

"No," she growled, "it'll be because your Mom will be the only woman left in your life!"

##########

Leonard slipped the key in the lock and entered the apartment. Sheldon was alone in his spot watching television. He dropped his keys in the bowl. "Hey buddy, had a good night?" asked Leonard.

"Yes, it was great. I began building a Minecraft Death Star." He turned his laptop around on the coffee table.

"Hey, look at that! Cool."

"I know." Sheldon smiled, pleased with himself. "How was your date with Penny?"

"Fine. We saw a movie. We just decided to keep it, you know, uh, low-key for now," said Leonard, trying for cool.

"And now you're home in our apartment and Penny is presumably in her's at 10 P.M. on Saturday night. Interesting. Would you like to play Mario Kart?"

"What's interesting?" Leonard collapsed on to his end of the couch.

"Oh, I was merely observing that instead of securing a permanent sexual relationship with Penny, your ill-timed proposal has inverted your ability to achieve coitus." Sheldon offered Leonard a wii steering wheel. "Hence, my question: would you like to play wii?"

Leonard snatched up the controller. "We are not not having sex right now because she is afraid I'll propose again. At least, I— no, that's not why. She's tired and has to prepare for an audition." Leonard squared his jaw. It was the truth, and he comforted himself with it.

"Why? Unless the audition is for her current job at the Cheesecake Factory she won't get it."

"Sheldon, that's uncalled for." Leonard knew the date had been fine, perfectly fine. Just fine. Fine. That was the problem. If a relationship-deaf Sheldon could tune into problems with him and Penny, then things were worse than he thought. Leonard continued, "And since when do you care about my dates with Penny? I don't see you hanging out with your girlfriend tonight. Where's Amy?"

"Why would Amy be here? It's Saturday night. Saturday night is laundry night. Amy has no laundry room in her building. Tuesday is her day to send her laundry out."

"Forget I asked, let's just play," he replied.

Leonard gave the game half his attention. He thought about just shuffling off to bed, but his hands continued to drive Luigi around the track and his butt stayed on the couch. He was beating Sheldon's Mario by a mile so the game kept throwing obstacles in his way. No matter how hard Leonard tried to stay ahead, he kept getting knocked back to begin the climb all over again. Tonight, it made him more frustrated than usual.

Leonard glanced at Sheldon. He looked mildly ridiculous, like an overgrown twelve-year-old: dorky haircut, justice league shirt, and his tongue peeked out the corner of his mouth while he concentrated on the game. Leonard knew Sheldon found it difficult to navigate his way around the track, but at the moment, it seemed to Leonard like his friend had all the luck. By taking things slow, really, at a snail's pace, Sheldon appeared like he was on a clear run to the finish.

At first Leonard rejected the idea, but then he remembered: talking about their women was something he and Sheldon did now. "It's still really awkward between me and Penny," Leonard began. "Turns out, me saying 'Marry me?' to a woman is a big of a turn off as 'I love you'. I guess I'll never learn."

Sheldon's eyes stayed glued to the television. "Evidence would suggest that Penny has at least learnt to ignore what you say. She hasn't rejected you again."

"Thanks Sheldon. Very helpful."

Sheldon preened a bit at this. "You should try not speaking. Amy and I once had a wonderful evening where we were silent the entire time."

Leonard and Penny had spent many magical evenings together with little conversation, but Leonard guessed that's where the similarities between their nights ended.

"What did you do without talking the entire time?" Leonard asked, curiously. He found it hard to believe Sheldon could be quiet for so long, and if there was a way to silence him, Leonard wanted to know it.

"Three games of chess, one of Research Lab and a rousing hour of Charades. Charades was restricted to scientific works of the Enlightenment, research papers that have won a Nobel prize, or anything from Harry Potter."

"How did you play Charades without calling out the answers?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

Leonard was about to say no but quickly averted the trap. He'd nearly fallen into a pit of insane Sheldon logic. Instead, he said, "I guess I'm worried that Penny and I are already repeating the same mistakes. And if we break up again, I might lose her forever."

"Maybe you should get Penny a hot beverage?"

"That won't help."

Sheldon nodded. "You're right. Penny prefers alcohol when she's upset, and Amy poured all of it down the sink on Tuesday." Sheldon thought for a moment and then said, "Reboot your relationship."

"What?"

Sheldon paused the game and turned to speak to Leonard. "You and Penny are hung in an awkward infinite loop because you suggested a leveling-up of your relationship status mid-coitus. Agree on the last stable state or, if you prefer, the last saved achievement and restore and then re-play the game."

"I sort of suggested that already. She didn't go for it. And, it's a bad idea anyway: even if you agree to forget your problems, they don't actually go away. They just lurk there, like a troll blocking your way and you just sort of agree never to go down the path near the troll. Soon enough, all you have is trolls and a relationship in a dead end." Leonard sighed, and rubbed his forehead. "You got any other ideas besides hot beverages and relationship reboots?"

"The tiara worked pretty well."

Leonard chuckled. He thought of how Amy had beamed and requested compliments from everyone while wearing it. "I gave you some good advice there, didn't I?" said Leonard, proudly. Leonard looked over and rather than seeing a grateful friend, Sheldon was frowning.

Sheldon restarted the game. "I've noticed that a person's expertise or successes in relationships have no bearing on their willingness to dispense advice," he replied, flatly. "But, I'll break the social convention here and say I don't know how else to help you." Sheldon flicked his gaze from the TV to Leonard and back again. "Sorry."

Leonard was genuinely surprised at how sincere Sheldon sounded.

"Sure you want to keep playing this? You might be even worse at Mario Kart than actual driving. What about some Red Dead? Or we could play kinect Star Wars?" suggested Leonard.

"No. I hate Mario Kart, but I want to keep playing. I'm trying to get better."

Leonard looked at Sheldon with concern. "So, what's going on with you and Amy? You don't seem yourself: you practically invited me to talk about my problems with Penny and then you're trying to give relationship advice wrapped in a game analogy. Anything you want to talk about?"

Sheldon leaned forward in his spot. "Very well. On our last date, Amy suggested a change in our relationship agreement that I do not find comfortable."

"Oh?"

"Yes. She wants to add a physical element."

Leonard's right brow shot up. "When you say physical you mean—"

"Hand-holding. Really, Leonard."

"No, that's pretty much what I thought."

"She says hand-holding is a natural recourse for our emotional connection. She says my refusing to change the agreement is illogical based on the available evidence. But it's her that has confused logic with emotion, not me, Leonard. I'm being perfectly rational."

"Uh huh."

"Because of two instances of kissing, cuddling, and hand-holding she says that we have a mutual desire for greater intimacy. Ridiculous."

"Amy kissed you?" Leonard couldn't help smiling.

"Yes, Leonard. We kissed. And, yes, on one occasion we cuddled because she was sad. And yes, I did hold her hand once because… because I felt like it. But none of that suggests I want to add a physical dimension to the relationship."

"No, of course not. She presumes a lot," said Leonard.

"She says I have a fear of my growing attachment to her. And, get this: she said denying any affectionate feelings I have will only lead to some greater emotional outburst. When have I ever succumbed to a burst of feeling?"

Ten years worth of memories of Sheldon enraged, petulant, fearful, hurt, jealous or just plain giddy with excitement flipped through Leonard's mind. And then there were the times he lost something important to him and really went insane. Like his job. Or Amy.

"Oh, I don't know," said Leonard. "Seems pretty unlikely."

"I know. If only Amy could separate her hormonal need to pair-bond with a male from her decision making processes. It's tragic, she has an otherwise brilliant mind. And, I suppose it's only going to get worse as she approaches the peak of her optimal childbearing years," he said glumly and slumped back into his spot. "Lord knows what fresh hell I will have to endure then."

Leonard wondered the same: how far will Sheldon go to make Amy happy? Then he chuckled and said, "Shields up Sheldon, or physiology will make you it's bitch."

"True. The price of brilliance is eternal vigilance." They were quiet for a little while, but Sheldon kept glancing at Leonard as though he wanted to say more. "You know, Amy can be very difficult sometimes," he continued. "And, it's very frustrating for me."

"Really, Sheldon? I don't know what that's like."

"Sarcasm?"

"Yeah."

"I knew it. I don't know how you put up with Penny always yammering on."

Leonard puffed out a breath. Sheldon's advanced programming was still waiting for the update that made him self-aware.

Sheldon went on, "You don't try to change the roommate agreement when you don't like it, Leonard. You just find a way to deal with it. Why can't Amy do that?"

"I don't know. Women. They like getting their way. Do you think I wanted to see Snow White and the Huntsman tonight? I did it to make Penny happy." And for sex, he added silently.

"But, I want to get my way."

"Well, if your way is also Amy's way, you won't have a problem."

Sheldon turned in his spot to look at Leonard. "So, you're suggesting, that to avoid future difficulties with Amy, I should attempt to manipulate her into seeing everything my way? Thank you Leonard, that's very helpful."

"That's not really what I meant."

"Oh. Well, you managed to stumble on some good advice anyway." Sheldon smiled, "Well done, Leonard."

He rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

##########

Amy clutched at her seat belt as Penny peeled around the corner at speed. Amy had intended to spend her Sunday morning in the lab, but she shelved her plans as soon as her bestie had called. Bernadette needed to get her mind off things and Penny needed a girls day out that didn't add another dent on her credit record: they were going to the beach.

Initially, Amy was repulsed by the prospect of sweat, sand, and bathing in a sea of effluent all while exposing her pale flesh to UVA and UVB radiation. As an alternative, Amy had suggested that the cleansing sting of chlorine at the Pasadena YMCA would do wonders for Bernadette's mood, and help keep her dark roots bleached, but Penny would not be dissuaded. Amy warmed to the beach trip when Penny promised there would be tanned lifeguards prowling the sand and to lend Amy a bikini. According to her bestie, the black one-piece Amy had since high school didn't cut it for Venice Beach. Amy planned to get Penny and Bernadette to rub her down in SPF 50, but still fearful of radiation burns, she decided to team the borrowed swimsuit with an oversize conference t-shirt and baggy gym shorts.

"Penny, are you ready for your audition tomorrow?" asked Amy. "It's a drug commercial right?"

"What? Oh, yeah. You know, I've been thinking about my character a lot, really trying to get into it. Who is this 20ish girl that needs a drug to thicken out her eyelashes? What's her motivation? I don't maybe she was teased at high-school? And, tonight I'm gonna sit down and really get into it: go over the part, learn my lines that sort of thing."

"Is there much to learn? Those commercials just seem like a full minute listing all the creepy side-effects," said Bernadette.

"Oh no, this part is pretty big, I mean, for a commercial. It's national too," said Penny nodding. "So Amy, what's going on with you and Sheldon? Did you talk to him about changing the agreement last Thursday?" she put her foot to the floor, urging the beat up VW Golf into traffic on the I-5.

Amy swallowed. Penny hadn't checked her side mirror when merging and she only had the one. "Yes. He wasn't receptive to idea," Amy replied.

"But, I thought he was the one that broke it in the first place?"

"Yes, he initiated the hand-hold."

"So, what's your plan?" asked Bernadette, she twisted in the passenger seat to get a good look at Amy. "How are you going to get things moving?"

"My plan is to wait. I suggested the next step for our relationship, now I wait for him to come to me," Amy replied. She frowned and then added, "Bernadette, while your concern for me is touching, I strongly suggest you don't demonstrate it by looking at me while in the passenger seat. The three-star NCAP safety rating of this vehicle assumes all passengers are in their standard positions."

Bernadette didn't move. "But, I thought you were trying to accelerate your relationship? That's what the dinner you made and the Star Trek thing were all about, right?"

Amy grinned, remembering the evening's successes. "Yes, and it got some very promising results. Sheldon and I had a great date night last month and there have been signs that he is receptive to moving forward." Amy thought of the launch hand-hold and how he had gazed at her while she was wearing the uniform. She wanted to see more of that, a lot more. "He hasn't agreed to hand-holding yet, but I'm going to continue the current experiment and maybe, in a couple of months, I'll apply some new stimuli and re-evaluate the progress."

"Oh," said Bernadette. She turned back to face the front. "That could work, I guess."

"What do you mean?" asked Amy. "My methodology has been pretty successful so far."

"To be honest, I think you are coddling him. You're bending over backwards for Sheldon and all you get is one stinking hand-hold? You need to treat him like a man."

Amy felt the wind knocked out of her. She wanted to leap to Sheldon's defense. Their pace was slow, but it was their own race and they were moving forward, albeit even if it felt like she was dragging him every single step. She was happy with their progress, but it still stung Amy that she had to defend her boyfriend's apparent lack of interest in anything but her mind. "Hey!" she said, crossly. "Holding my hand was a big deal for Sheldon. He did it all on his own."

"Yeah, I think so too," said Penny and she smiled at Amy in the rear-view mirror. "It's a huge deal for Sheldon."

"Big whoop. Tell him he needs to step up or it's over. Then you'll see some actual results."

"Bernadette!" said Penny, sharply. "Amy knows what she's doing. She won't get anywhere if she start pushing him to feel things he isn't ready for."

"He should grow up and stop taking her for granted. She's here for him now but that doesn't mean she can wait around forever. Look at her!" Bernadette thrust her tiny hands in Amy's direction. "She's a doll and deserves to be treated like a princess!"

Amy felt this characterization of Sheldon was very unfair. Sheldon didn't take her for granted, she could tell he appreciated her. He was often highly attentive and she'd been given a co-producer credit on Dr. Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun With Flags. Amy was about to say as much when Penny surprised her with her own vehement defense of Sheldon.

"God, Bernadette!" cried Penny. "He'll take the next step when he's ready! Pushing too hard will make him back right off."

Bernadette ignored her. "Amy, it's been two years since you met Sheldon. You need to tell him where you want the relationship to go and see how he reacts. And if he scampers off like a buck at the sound of a shotgun blast, then there is nothing like a little time apart to give him some perspective."

"Amy, don't listen to her. You know that you just need to take things slow and let his feelings develop naturally. You can't rush these things."

Bernadette gave Penny a look. "How long do you think she should wait? Five years hasn't been long enough for Leonard."

"Woah! This has got nothing to do with me and Leonard," said Penny, angrily. "And not all guys are like Howard. They won't just roll over, sit or beg when issued with a command."

"Hey! Howard and I work through our problems by talking about them, because we're adults. You and Leonard should try it sometime!" shouted Bernadette, just like her mother-in-law.

"Oh please! You don't talk things out with Howard! You just say jump and he asks 'how high?'! And he should, because he knows he's lucky to have you."

"And Leonard is lucky to have you, is that right?" hollered Bernadette.

"No!" Penny tightened her grip on the steering wheel. "That's real low, Bernadette. I can't believe you would even—"

"That's enough!" yelled Amy. "The contrast between our approach to relationships has been clearly highlighted by this discussion. Thank you. I have to say, I'm disturbed at how bitchy the two of you are given your respective stages in the menstruation cycle."

Bernadette sniffed. "I thought I asked you not to keep track of that."

"Let's just change the subject," said Penny and she began to tune the radio. "Girls day, remember? This is supposed to be fun."

"Penny, how was your date with Leonard last night?" asked Amy.

"No more talking about the guys! New topic, please. Bernadette?"

"Sure," said Bernadette. Her voice had lost its ragged edge and was sweet and light once more. "Um, have you had your car serviced lately, Penny? I only ask because I noticed that the check engine light is on."

##########


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR.

Sheldon knew that in an infinite multiverse there were Sheldons that didn't take Amy's hand on launch day and many more that didn't know her at all. He didn't like to think about any of those Sheldon Coopers. In the apartment, two minutes of terror passed in silence until the booster stage of Howard's rocket detached from the Soyuz launcher and Sheldon had broken away from Amy. NASA TV confirmed all systems were green, the vehicle was stable and performing as designed. Sheldon's palms were clammy and his throat was raw, while his heart thudded, sharp and wild, in his chest.

After nine long minutes, the Russians reported the capsule had entered a low–level orbit of Earth: Howard was safe. The room erupted with hoots and cheers as relief crashed down around them. During the launch, the camera angle of the capsule's live feed had shown only the other astronauts in view. Finally, the feed switched views and there was Howard, nearly swallowed up by his Stay Puft suit, giving a thumbs up they knew was for them.

Leonard shouted to Sheldon and held up a palm and before Sheldon knew it, he had reached out and high fived him. Sheldon felt himself grinning like a stupid person, yet he couldn't shut his emotions down. He didn't want to. He was grateful Howard hadn't died and he felt a curious mix of pride in his friend, pride in himself, and a happy relief that made him feel lightheaded.

Leonard's arm had snaked around Penny's waist, while Bernadette smiled through her tears and clung to Raj as he wept. The small step of taking Amy's hand had felt like one giant leap for Sheldon, and now, after nearly ten minutes, Sheldon finally looked to Amy and met her eyes. She was smiling, and he felt a surge of uncertainty. He froze, wide-eyed and terrified she would copy the others and attempt to embrace him too. Instead, Sheldon felt a touch on his hand and was astonished to see Amy's hand now on his, both resting on his knee. She gave his hand a brief squeeze and then turned away to hug Bernadette. His eyes followed her and Sheldon squashed any regret he felt that it could of been him, right then, in Amy's arms.

Until Amy dragged it up again, Sheldon had barely given a thought to why he had broken his own agreement and taken her hand. Although he never intentionally lingered there, if the warm feeling of Amy's hand in his suddenly came to him while he was working at his desk, writing an equation at his board, or reading a comic-book, he thought of it as being a generally good, if unsettling, thing. He would go as far as admitting that it had appeared to have made Amy very happy.

In his spot, Sheldon caught himself imagining Amy sitting right by him on the couch. He'd gotten lost while calculating the probability of the red supergiant Betelgeuse going supernova during his lifetime. From Earth, an explosion of their near neighbor in the galaxy would look like a Tatooine second sun.

"Curses," he said to himself aloud. Too much time with Raj and now he was having florid fantasies comparing the mundane product of human evolution to a profound beauty of the universe. The spiral Milky Way did not remind him of the delicate shell of Amy's slightly pointed ears. Sheldon was deeply disturbed. He reached for the telephone and dialed.

"Hi Mom."

"Sheldon! Why hello, darlin'. How are you today?"

"I'm fine, Mom. How are you?"

"Oh, just peachy. You know, it's been a good while since you called me out of the blue like this. It's a nice change: you being a bit spontaneous, Shelly."

Sheldon looked to the ceiling. In his opinion, reciprocal how are yous more than satisfied the tedious social custom for small talk. "Mom, you know that we speak every Sunday at 7 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time."

"Yes, but you're early."

"I know. I don't intend this to be a regular call where you talk about Missy, George and a cornucopia of Galveston church ladies and fisher-folk I don't care about. I will call back tonight to listen to that."

Mary sighed. "Fine, Sheldon. What did you want to talk about? How's work?"

Sheldon noted his mother's voice had turned a little cooler. She was already bored, he realized. Some people were only interested in their own problems.

"Work's fine."

"And Leonard?"

"Fine."

"And what about your little girlfriend, Amy?"

He paused for a moment then said, "She's fine, too."

"Sheldon, are we gonna go round and round like a dog choosing where to park its tail, or are you gonna tell me what's on your mind?"

"It's Amy." He paused for a beat, closed his eyes and said, "She made me spaghetti with little hotdogs."

"Now, that is mighty sweet of her to do that for you."

"No, it isn't," Sheldon growled, "and her actions are hardly altruistic, Mom. She is trying to make me have feelings for her that are…," he paused, suddenly very uncertain where he was headed, "not friendly."

"No Shelly, she is just making your favorite meal. What's wrong with that?"

"No, you don't understand, she's got this plan. She got AMTRAK to let me on a train as Junior Conductor and," he swallowed, trying to ease the way for what was difficult to say, "she's been secretly watching Star Trek."

"Uh-huh. And what are you doing for her?"

"What?"

"What are you doing for her? To show you care about her?"

Sheldon ignored his mother. She had a way of jumping from topic to topic that had no logical through line. "She doesn't even like science fiction Mom, or costumes," he whined. "Why is this happening to me?"

"Sheldon, the only thing happening to you is the same thing that's been going on since God created Adam and Eve. If girl makes a man his favorite meal, he should be as happy as a gopher in soft dirt. So, what's the problem?"

Sheldon felt so unnerved he chose to regard his mother's words as a metaphor, rather than pointing out the physical improbability of nearly everything in Genesis. Sheldon closed his eyes and an image of Amy serving dinner at her apartment floated into view. This time, she had made fried chicken. His eyes popped open and he breathed deeply in relief: he was still sitting in his living room, not Amy's. God, was there no escaping her?

It wasn't his fault. It was all Amy's doing: her plan, her experiment. She was bewitching him. He could see her seated at the bridge of the USS Enterprise now in a uniform of gold. She'd given the command and her ship was reeling him in from the deep isolation of space. Would she go easy on him? Sheldon doubted it. She'd been logical and thorough in her earlier examination. There was nothing to do now but submit and prepare to negotiate. "Oh, God!" he yelped. Why had he agreed to their game of Doctor? Damn Amy. He needed to wrest command back from her. Immediately.

"Sheldon?"

"Mom," he said, anguished. "Amy's plan? It's working." He breathed out but his chest felt tighter.

"Okay then, Sheldon listen to me. Amy has been taking an interest in things you like and doing things for you to make you happy. What are you doing to make her feel special?"

"Special?" he cried, outraged. "Mom, Amy is on a mission to destroy the perfect life, ruled by order and logic, that I have cultured for myself since I was nine years old. You think I should reward this behavior?"

"Sheldon," Mary groaned.

"What Mom?" he said, haughtily. "Sheldon Cooper, future Nobel laureate, is her boyfriend. How more special could she be?"

His mother heaved a sigh. "Baby, I've got to run. If I don't get to Mrs. Henderson's for Bridge Club on time this afternoon, the old witch will stick me with a partner with no more looks or sense than God gave a mule."

"But, Mom! I'm not done!" he cried. "I held her hand the other day and now she wants that all the time!"

"Sheldon, if what Amy's doing is such a problem for you then break up with her."

Sheldon was stunned. "That's ridiculous."

"Is it? I told you way back when I didn't think the two of you were right for each other. You've got to sit her down and tell her that's enough. No more cooking you dinner, no more train rides, no more Star Wars and definitely no more hand holding. You tell her you don't like it and you want it to stop, right now."

"No. You don't understand. She's got this plan and I'm way behind–"

Mary chuckled, "Oh, I think I understand plenty. You know, this is just like the time your sister was fed up with the boy from the 7-Eleven. He kept coming around to the house with candies, roses and beef jerky—all stolen from work, mind you—he wouldn't let up no matter how she sent him packing."

"No! Amy's not–this is nothing, nothing like that at all! Amy is–she's…" Sheldon faulted.

"She's what?"

"She's my girlfriend!"

"Then you've got to buck up or shut up."

"What?"

"If you don't like her being sweet to you then end it. If you do, then quit whining about it. Alright, good-bye Shelly."

########

Leonard wandered into the comic book store and joined Raj in pouring over Stuart's latest stock. Parking had been a breeze, when Leonard arrived the store was empty except for Stuart, Raj and Raj's puppy. Behind the counter, Stuart held the Yorkshire terrier aloft in two hands and was letting it lick his chin. As Leonard flicked through the comic books, he couldn't help but glance at Stuart every time the man cooed at the puppy. Raj threw a look behind him to the counter and then turned back to Leonard and shook his head. "He's so desperate for attention, it's sad," Raj said quietly.

"Stuart huh? You're the one who brings it everywhere."

"Hey! Future historians will condemn our society for cruelly isolating highly intelligent animals in our yards and apartments while we work and socialize away from home. In the future, domestic animals will be welcomed into homes and workplaces across the land. It's discrimination, dude."

"Well, your dog isn't welcome in our apartment. Sheldon will spray it with Lysol and then enforce a 24 hour evacuation while he scrubs and disinfects." Leonard glanced back at Stuart and the puppy, now he was letting it lick him all over his face. A deep frown creased Leonard's brow. "That's mildly disturbing to watch."

"Then stop looking. Where's Sheldon? I thought we were going to Thai Palace?"

"At home. He ranted about having work to do—some new research plan—but when I left, he was just sitting in his spot spaced out."

"Ooh," Raj broke a wicked grin. "You think the shamy is getting to him?"

Leonard shrugged. "Maybe, but then it's equally likely he's thinking about m-theory, building a death ray, or commanding a clowder of samurai pizza cats that will fight his enemies and then deliver dinner on Thursday nights."

"Has he said anything to you? About Amy?"

Something in Leonard made him stop what he was doing and take the time to squint at Raj. "Why do you want to know?"

"I'm curious, man! Sheldon likes a girl! This is like seeing a simultaneous transit of Venus and Mercury. It won't happen for another 12,000 years," exclaimed Raj. "Bernadette said Amy was pretty psyched about the hand-holding thing."

Leonard smiled to himself. "She's slaying him like a newb."

"Leonard." Stuart sidled up next to them, now nursing Raj's puppy and giving its belly a scratch.

"Hey Stuart. I see you've made quite a new friend there."

"Yeah, well, not all of us have girlfriends as beautiful as Penny to kiss and keep us warm at night. Some of us won't even have heat in fall. Even if I could afford the bill, the back room isn't air conditioned."

"Oh, you're still living here then?"

"Yes. If you and Sheldon wanted to buy the Glamdring, I could pick up my dry cleaning this week, they've had it since April." Stuart smiled at Leonard, wide-eyed and hopeful.

"Sorry. We're not really into Lord of the Rings collectibles. Long story."

Stuart deflated visibly. "Oh, I wish I knew that before I'd ordered it. That comixology app is killing my business. Tell Penny I'm happy to help her out if she needs any more gifts for you and Sheldon or you know, really anything. I don't get to see that much of her. Tell her I said, uh–," he swallowed, "hi. Tell her I said hi."

"Sure." Leonard smiled. He never got tired of seeing another guy who got tongue-tied over Penny. "I'll let her know you asked after her. She's at home preparing for a big audition she has tomorrow."

Raj snorted. "No she's not. She's at the beach."

Leonard squinted at him. "I think I know what my girlfriend's plans are. She told me last night."

"Whatever dude. She's at Venice Beach with Bernadette and Amy." Raj dug his phone from his pocket. "Here, look at Amy's Facebook. There are pics of them putting sunblock all over each other." Raj held out his phone to Leonard.

"Can I see that?" Stuart lunged and snatched up the phone before Leonard even had a chance to focus on the image. Stuart handed off the terrier to Raj without taking his eyes from the screen.

"Hey! Don't be so rough with my Princess." Raj stroked the puppy's head.

Stuart's eyebrows climbed. "Oh, wow."

Leonard pulled out his own phone and navigated straight to Amy's page. A smiling self-portrait of Amy popped up. The next photo was of Amy's hand smearing sunblock on Bernadette and he quickly flicked past several more that were much the same. The last photo was a self-portrait again, but behind Amy's shoulder, Penny hovered, ready to apply the sunblock to her friend.

##########

Amy sat with legs criss-crossed on a beach towel, carefully avoiding any contact between her skin and the sand. Her baggy shirt pooled over her thighs and a wide-brimmed hat sunk down to meet her glasses. Next to her, Penny lay on her on her stomach dog-earring pages in a magazine and pointing out the fall trends of printed cardigans and grandma chic to Amy. Amy tried to take an interest but she found the purchase of clothing based on cultural memes perplexing. Clothes that were practical or titillating she could understand, but why anyone spent more than was necessary to cover the very secondary sexual characteristics a mate might find desirable Amy couldn't fathom. As swimsuits clearly weren't for modesty or sun protection, Amy wondered why anyone even bothered to wear one. How could seeing Penny's naked form glistening in the sun be anything but a delight to all? She longed to hear Sheldon's thoughts on the matter, but one idea led to another and Amy soon found herself swept up in the arms of an alternate universe Sheldon carrying her from the sea while he wore only the sash of a lifeguard's flotation device.

"Hello Amy? Are you listening?" Penny was resting on one elbow and holding up the magazine. "I said you would look really cute in this brocade shift dress."

Amy squinted at the glossy photo. "Maybe with a blouse underneath," she replied.

Amy drew her eyes from Penny and glanced at Bernadette. Bernadette's black bikini cut across her pale skin and her body looked even tinier when stripped of her skirt and cardigan. Her head lolled to one side and her mouth was slightly open. "I think we should wake her," said Amy. "Bernadette's fair skin places her in a high-risk category for melanoma."

"Oh, give her another ten and then we'll turn her over. She hasn't been sleeping."

Amy nodded and then smiled at Penny. "I can understand why Bernadette doesn't wish to conceive a child. Pushing a foetus through that teeny tiny pelvis would be like pushing a baby elephant through the play-gym at McDonalds."

Penny shifted uncomfortably on her towel. "Yeah, I guess."

"Do you wish to conceive a child with Leonard?"

Penny's head snapped up. "Jesus Amy! What the hell?" she cried. Penny quickly looked to Bernadette, but she still appeared to be asleep despite the cursing. "I thought we said we weren't going to talk about the guys."

"I assumed you meant in front of Bernadette; there is no limit on the topic of conversation between besties." Amy peered over Penny to where Bernadette lay on her back. "The cadence of her breathing and insensitivity to aural stimulus suggests she is in stage three non-REM or slow-wave sleep, but I can't be certain without an EEG." Amy looked back at Penny and smiled saucily. "So, do you, bestie?"

Penny groaned. "Ugh. No, I don't know, Amy. It's not something I want to think about right now, that's for damn sure." She flattened the spine of her magazine and a smirk grew into a throaty chuckle. "Why? Do you want a baby with Sheldon?"

Amy bobbed her head. "Yes."

Penny eyebrows rose far above her sunglasses and her lips formed a little 'o'. She stared at Amy for beat and then said, "I know you guys have talked about a test tube baby before, but sweetie, have you discussed this with him lately?"

Amy tugged at her t-shirt and pulled it down over her knees. "No. At the time, I had a strong preference for a surrogate uterus. Now, I don't even think IVF would be necessary. I'm thirty next year and logic dictates I should aim to get pregnant within the next five before infertility may become an issue."

Penny shifted herself on to two elbows and stared at the ocean for a moment. She nodded once. "Okay, now I'm ready to discuss the possibility of you and Sheldon having sex. Amy, honey, I know Sheldon asking you to be his girlfriend was a big deal, and him wanting to hold your hand was like, wow, a massive deal, but do you think maybe you are getting ahead of yourself a little?" She reached over and squeezed Amy's hand. "Wasn't the Star Trek costume thing the first sign you've had that Sheldon might actually have those kind of feelings?"

"You mean evidence that Sheldon can become sexually aroused?"

"Yeah, that. You said he was interested, but it's not like you–" Penny stopped herself. "I mean, you said that it didn't really go anywhere, did it?" Off Amy's downcast look she added, "Not that it won't, I just mean that you guys need a little more time to warm up before things start getting, err, hot." Penny's nose crinkled.

"At this point, I'd be happy with tepid," said Amy. She looked down at the graphic on her t-shirt. A neuron was drawn with big eyes, legs and tennis shoes with the punch line, 'You really get my motor neuron running' written underneath. The picture was distorted from being stretched over her knees. "I imagine that the 'come hither' quality of my pelvis only works when Leonard isn't around to kill the mood." She looked at Penny. "You were supposed to keep him busy."

"I know, but that was just after Leonard said the thing and... yeah. I just don't want you to get ahead of yourself. What's gotten into you? An hour ago you were happy with your plan of going at Sheldon's pace."

"Sheldon doesn't have a pace, that's the problem." Amy uncrossed her legs and dug her toes into the sand. "Bernadette's right. After two years, she and Howard were engaged and had experienced hundreds of sexual encounters and some of those instances may not have required either dramatic license or the need to see to her own orgasm. After two years with Sheldon, I can't get him to agree to hand holding unless I take him for a flu shot," she said, glumly. "Holding hands is the only physical expression of our romantic attachment that we've had. That I can remember, anyway. What if that's as intimate as he is willing to be with me?"

Amy recalled the pounding headache of her first hangover and Sheldon's smug expression when he revealed that she'd kissed him the evening before. A year later, the piercing embarrassment had barely dulled. She'd tried to piece the evening back together, but the hours after her second cosmopolitan had dissolved from a moving slideshow of images into just a few blurry stills. She remembered Sheldon's pale blue eyes as she sat wedged between the taxi door on one side and his long and lean body on the other. She remembered Sheldon's arms as they danced and she remembered sitting next to him on her couch. Where they had danced, how she got home, and how soft his lips had felt on hers, was a complete mystery.

"First off, don't listen to Bernadette. Trust me, she's got her own set of issues," Penny snorted. "Amy, you don't have to settle for your relationship with Sheldon if it doesn't give you what you need. I'm not saying you shouldn't give him a chance or work at moving things forward, but just remember there are plenty of guys out there."

Amy looked horrified. "I can't break up with Sheldon, I don't want to. He's great. He is the first real friend I've ever had."

"Okay, then just keep the relationship at the same even click you're on now and you'll get there eventually. He'll come around, I mean, he's still a man." Her forehead crinkled. "Probably."

Amy's cut her a dark look. "Nothing will ever happen unless I drive us forward. The only question is how fast I can go without him trying to bail from the car."

"Fine Amy, take Bernadette's advice, but if you go home and ask him to put a baby in you, I bet you he does a barrel roll out onto Colorado Boulevard."

Amy got up and kicked the sand off her feet. "Very helpful. Give me your keys."

"What? I was kidding!"

"I saw a Staples two miles back. I need pens, a notebook, post-it flags and a five year planner. Call me when you're ready to leave. I'll be at Starbucks."

Penny dug around in her tote and offered the keys to Amy. "Do you want some help?" she asked, sounding a little contrite.

"No, the experiment was a good beginning, but I need a new plan. The two of you have done enough." She galumphed across the sand and then called back over her shoulder. She pointed at Bernadette. "And don't forget to turn her over!"

##########

That evening, Sheldon concluded his Skype call with Amy a little disturbed. Of all the places to go in southern California, she'd been to the beach. The sand. The seagulls. The water. Sheldon shivered at just the thought of it.

Leonard yawned loudly while he dunked a tea bag in his mug. "Sounds like the girls had a fun day today. Did you know they were going to the beach? I wonder when they decided to do that."

Sheldon shot him a withering look. "I neither know, nor care about it." He closed his laptop and then straightened its edge to match his desk.

"Okay, fine. Goodnight," Leonard replied and left the kitchen. Halfway down the hall, he turned back. "Sheldon, did you see the photos Amy uploaded to Facebook? Stuart had a good look while Raj and I were at the comic book store." Leonard smirked and went off to bed.

Sheldon sat frozen. He waited until he heard the click of Leonard's bedroom door closing, and then flung the laptop's lid up. Damn. He had shut it down instead of hibernating. It only took a few seconds to boot, but he couldn't wait that long. He pulled his iPad from his desk draw and punched in his passcode. He went straight to Amy's Facebook. She had uploaded new photos today. His finger hovered over the link, he bit his lip and jabbed at it. Instantly, he looked away. He wasn't sure what he was afraid of. Amy's photos weren't public and they would never be inappropriate. He knew this was silly. Leonard had looked. Stuart had looked. He could look too.

Sheldon looked and was instantly relieved. If Amy had to submit to the whim of the likes of Penny and go to the beach, at least she had been sun smart. Amy had on a big hat that flopped over her eyes, a huge shirt and shorts. Penny and Bernadette were not as protected against the sun, and Sheldon supposed that's what Stuart had been ogling. As he quickly flicked through the half dozen photos Amy had taken, he felt the tension in his belly loosen and unknot. He shook his head, bemused. What had he been worried about? What did he think he would see?

When he flicked through to the last photo, he dropped the iPad as if his fingers had been burnt. It hit the floor face down with a sickening smack. Sheldon didn't want to, but he had to look again. He picked the iPad from the floor and slowly flipped it over.

His eyes slammed shut._ I am a student of T'Klaas, I feel nothing._ He repeated the mantra over and over until his breathing slowed and he felt he was in control. Yet, when he looked this time, he couldn't look away. The floor melted around him and he staggered to his spot.

"Oh, Jesus."

A close up of Amy smiled right at him. Like in the other photos, she was covered by a t-shirt that was far too big for her and Penny hovered behind her ready to apply the sunblock. However, all Sheldon saw was that Amy's neckline had been yanked down to reveal a pale, slightly-hunched shoulder.

##########


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Sheldon perched, stiff and upright, on a stool in Amy's apartment, his long arms draped over one bent knee. Amy was preparing tea for them and his eyes rested on her stooped, woolen-covered shoulders as she moved through her kitchen.

"Amy," he began casually, "I've been thinking about your request to add a new dimension to our relationship." He paused and then Amy paused as she began filling the tea kettle. "You're right, our relationship does need to grow."

Surprise turned to disbelief and she looked back over her shoulder at him. His expression was blank and she frowned, confused by the sudden confession; there was no way he was still experiencing carry-over effects from the Ebbinghaus experiment. "Before I comment, I have to ask: is there a bazinga coming?"

"No. Relationships are not fun and the use of a bazinga would be misapplied," he said, primly.

She filled the tea kettle and turned to face him. "So, you're serious then. You really want to move our relationship forward?"

"That's right." Sheldon smiled cheerfully and pulled a bound document that was much thinner than the relationship agreement from his satchel. He plopped the document onto the counter between them. "I have a proposal for you."

Amy's heart lurched into her throat. "What kind of proposal?"

"The best kind." He pushed the document towards her. "Research."

"Oh," said Amy. Her heart dropped back to its usual place. "Of course." She dumped the kettle on the burner and stabbed the ignition button with her finger. The cold range sparked three times and fizzled.

"Is there something wrong with your range?" He sniffed the air. "Is is leaking gas?"

"No, it's just old. My landlord won't replace it." She adjusted the burner knob and after three more clicks, it lit with a whoomph. She turned around and her eyes were drawn to the proposal title printed in bold font. She blinked, read it once more and then took a tentative step forward and picked up the document from the counter. She eyed him skeptically, and seeing only his usual self-satisfied smirk, read the title aloud. "Quantum mechanics and the function of complex biological structures?" Her rising intonation questioned the title, if not the entire existence of the pages in her hand.

"Yes." Sheldon nodded and a nervous smile teased at the corner of his lips.

Amy skimmed the opening paragraph but she could barely take in the text. Her eyes kept darting back to the title and where their names were nestled together as co-authors. "You want to submit a National Science Foundation proposal for a research grant for us to work together?" Amy looked between him and the proposal one last time. "On neurobiology?"

Sheldon bristled. "Not exactly. I would be working on applying quantum mechanics to make predictions about behavioral innovation and the function of the brain." Amy was paying close attention and Sheldon's delight in an audience turned his explanation into a lecture.

After several minutes of listening to him, she closed the document and her voice took on a hard edge. "So, your hypothesis is we use quantum mechanics to explain neurobiology?"

Sheldon brought his hands together and his long fingers formed an apex. He shot her a derisive look, but avoided the condescending tone she expected. "I will be working on making theoretical predictions. If you believe you can recreate my thought processes in doing so, you are welcome to design your own set of experiments. I suggest we avoid the topic of whose field is superior altogether."

"Agreed."

"So, my contribution will be to create new theory and yours is to test the validity of my work by doing whatever experiments it is that you do." He rolled his head back and briefly closed his eyes. He grudgingly added, "Theoretical models are almost always wrong because they simplify the universe into only a few very important parameters. In your experiments, you will have the satisfaction of showing empirically that I am wrong. We publish and then I subsume your work into a new model and then repeat the process."

"Sheldon…" Amy dropped her gaze from the proposal to stare at him. She grasped at the counter for support, but heard her own voice before she knew what was happening. "Hoo!"

"Who?" He pointed at their names tucked neatly underneath the proposal's title. "Just you and me. I see no reason for anyone else to leech off our original work." Amy squirmed a little and coughed. Sheldon looked at her oddly but continued. "I must stress that this work would rate as a low priority behind my main interests in particle theory and the time I spend lifting Raj out of the black hole that is his dark matter research. And you have your addiction studies and monkeys to attend to."

Amy cleared her throat, lest another Hoo! or a beg for Sheldon to take her right atop the kitchen counter escaped her first. Her brow knitted and she began to question him. "Since when have you taken an interest in neurobiology?"

"I've always been interested in the brain from a personal perspective." His eyes flicked up to meet hers. "More recently, I guess I found a way to make neurobiology more interesting to me."

"Why neurobiology? It makes far more sense for you to collaborate on experimental work with Leonard."

"Please," he waved her objection away. "I spend enough of my free time educating Leonard at home. Why not neurobiology? I find the best way to get past a tricky problem in my work is to think about a simpler one. What better than biology for that?"

Amy allowed the unintended insult to wash over her. The tea kettle began to whistle and Amy let it carry on while she held his gaze. She was confused, he seemed too eager and the sudden broadening of his interest was difficult to reconcile with all she knew of him. It wasn't _Sheldony_ at all.

He jumped off the stool and brushed past her into the kitchen to snatch the screaming tea kettle off the heat. He picked up the proposal and pulled a mechanical pencil from the pen pocket in his satchel. He passed them both to her. "Take my proposal and my pencil and go read."

Amy nodded and went to the couch. She sunk into the cushions and began reading through the pages. Quickly, she was impressed. Sheldon had applied his beautiful mind and united two fields of science that couldn't be more different via cold reductionism and the simple beauty of math. After a few minutes, Sheldon placed her tea on the coffee table and joined her. He sat quietly and watched as she read, occasionally sneaking glances as she made scribbles in the margins.

"You are missing most of the detail but your rudimentary grasp of neurobiology is sound."

Sheldon snorted. "I don't care about the detail, you can fill that in later. We need to discuss the major biological parameters so I can start building a model." He took a sip of his tea.

Amy looked at him with unabashed wonder. "You really want to work with me, don't you?"

"Why is that so hard to believe? If I wasn't serious, I wouldn't have spent the last two days reading neurobiology papers and writing that proposal."

Amy finally broke the jubilant smile she had been holding in. "Oh my god, Sheldon! This is a brilliant idea! We will be just like Marie and Pierre!" she exclaimed, hugging the proposal to her chest. "He begged her everyday to return to his lab so they could work side by side before they were married!" She sighed dreamily and Sheldon eyed her uncomfortably.

"But hang on, how do I know you aren't going to behave like a child again?"

"You gave me menial tasks a child could have performed. I won't be going anywhere near your lab, this work will be a collaboration between our expertise. I think we could have a long and fruitful research partnership." He paused to look at her and then said. "It could go on for years."

Amy blinked back tears. The new five year plan she had devised to move their relationship forward seemed hardly necessary now, but she had to be sure.

"Sheldon, are you trying to find a way to tell me you are committing to our relationship?"

He squirmed and looked anywhere but at her. "Call it, the perfect marriage between the theoretical and the experimental." He managed an awkward smile. "Between physics and biology."

Amy looked at him with wide, round eyes and then ducked her head. She began to blush and touched the cool back of her hand to her cheek.

"Sheldon, thank you. I can't wait to get started." She moved to grasp his hand, but he was cupping his tea between his palms. She longed to touch his thigh instead but, at the last moment, she chickened out and patted the couch next to his leg.

Sheldon smiled. "Great. Of course, there is one minor issue that we need to agree on if we become research collaborators."

"What's that?"

"Have you read the guidelines for applying for research funding?"

"Yes, of course."

"Then you understand that our personal relationship would be superseded by the needs of our scientific partnership."

Amy felt a sick twist to her stomach. "But we don't even work at the same university," she said.

"I know, but I would be the principal investigator and you my primary collaborator on a federally funded research grant."

Amy dropped the proposal onto the coffee table like a hot rock. "I can't believe you," she said, quietly. She placed her hands back on her knees and tugged at the hem of her skirt, pulling it down.

"Believe what?"

She glared at him and said hotly, "You really think I would trade my boyfriend for some grant money?"

"Hardly," he scoffed. "If anything, we'll be spending even more time together. You would be getting a new research partner, new grant money and tenure virtually assured at UCLA. Who knows, if we really work at it, we could share the Nobel Prize for Physiology. It will look great next to the one I'm getting for physics."

"Sheldon, no. This isn't the kind of partnership I want with you. I mean, I would love it if we worked together, but that's not all I want."

"But nothing would need to change—it's the perfect way to advance our relationship of the mind. You would still be my girlfriend—the current relationship agreement prohibits nearly all physical contact. We would still do everything we do now: date night, Sunday bi-monthly excursions to the zoo, weekly trips to the Lego store and singalong night."

Her eyes narrowed. "You mean how everything was before my Ebbinghaus experiment?"

Sheldon smiled and nodded. "Yes, exactly. That's the beauty of it. We get to permanently keep the relationship that was working well but still add another dimension: professional. Everything else will stay the same."

"Romantic relationships don't preclude successful scientific ones. Research partners who are married submit grants together. It's no big deal—happens all the time!"

He scowled. "I think it's highly unprofessional."

"Fine. I reject the current terms of your proposal." She crossed her arms and scooted back against the couch.

"What? Why?"

"I want to further this relationship, Sheldon."

"We are," he said, emphatically. "Through our research."

"That's not moving forward, Sheldon. That's going nowhere!" she snapped at him. "I don't mind, within reason, how slow we take this relationship, but I do want to make progress. And I think you want to as well but you won't admit it!"

"I want a Nobel Prize in Physics and now, I kind of like the idea of second one too. How hard could they be to get in physiology?"

"I just told you, there is no connection between science and the facts of a private life. Marie Curie won two Nobel Prizes, one with Pierre and the second while she was with her lover, Paul Langevin—he invented SONAR."

"If she wasn't so horny, she might have realized that barium chloride was poisoning her," he said, cooly.

"Einstein had a baby with a student and affairs throughout his marriage." She turned and pointed a finger at his chest. "I've got a new hypothesis for you: if you want a Nobel Prize you need an active sex life."

He glared at her. "Tesla eschewed all romantic attachments, he did pretty well for an engineer."

"Yeah? And, do you know what he regretted in his last days? Not the feud with Edison that cost him the Nobel Prize, but sacrificing himself for his work and not having a wife to share his life with." She huffed and allowed a moment for that to sink in. "No sex life and no Nobel Prize." She began counting Nobels off on her fingers. "Two for Curie, one for Einstein and nothing for Tesla. My hypothesis is looking pretty safe."

"He regretted being a hermit, that's all. Amy, I–"

"Shut up," she snapped. He was shocked and then he glowered at her before looking away. "I am not finished qualifying why I'm pissed at you. You just pretended to be interested in me and my work and it sounded too good to be true—surprise Amy! It was just another shallow, selfish and manipulative maneuver to control my behavior and further inflate your rapidly expanding ego."

He still wouldn't look at her and she got a sudden urge to fling her waste at him. "By the way," she added, "if I want more funding all I have to do is pick up the phone and call Faisal—I'm practically engaged to him you know!"

That got his attention and he scowled at her, but made no reply. She jumped to her feet and he shrank back against the couch. She continued, "If I wanted to, I could get a Nobel Prize without your help." She threw her hands out wide in frustration. "God, I bet Marie never had to put up with this crap from Pierre!"

"They had a romantic relationship. We have one of the mind."

He said it with such finality that Amy felt her anger wilt away and the prick of hot tears in her eyes. She crossed her arms and perched on the edge of the couch as far away from Sheldon as possible. "Pierre's work was his life, but Marie was his collaborator, his guide and his muse. He cared more about her than winning a stupid Nobel Prize."

Sheldon's worried eyes traveled over her from head to toe. After a very long pause he said, "I care about you."

The unqualified declaration was more than she could bear. She closed her eyes. "Please leave."

"Amy, I think all your time spent with Penny has transferred some of her expectations or feelings to you, like an emotional contagion. When you've had time to think, I think you'll see that cementing our relationship in friendship and work is better for both of us. Only friendships last forever."

"Please leave now. And take that with you." She pointed at the proposal still on the coffee table.

"I'll email it so if you change your–" Her appalled glance was enough to stop him. "But, how will I get home?" he asked, sadly.

"I think a future dual Nobel laureate should be able to figure that out for himself."

She stood and went straight for her bedroom and closed the door. She sat on the bed with her hands covering her mouth and listened. She heard the water run in the sink, a squeaky cupboard door in her kitchen and nothing for a long time until, at last, her front door closed with a soft thud. The apartment was silent. Finally, she let out the burning sob she was holding in her chest.

##########

AN: I like comments, so if you are so inclined, please leave em. I think Sheldon's behavior could be construed as a little OCC here, but Sheldon does mention Amy's work to his mother so he must follow it. As for him actually getting dirty with the study of yucky, squishy things: I refer you to the previous chapter—desperate times and all that.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX.

"Amy! Open up!" Penny's fist pounded against her friend's front door. "We know you're in there!"

"It's us!" called Bernadette, sweetly. "We just want to talk. We brought ice cream!"

"And Kaluha!" Penny slapped her palm three times against the wood and and then pressed her ear to the door. She waited, but heard nothing. She looked down at Bernadette, her brow furrowed. "Do you think she really is at work?"

Bernadette shook her head and all her cherub curls bounced around her face. "I didn't come all the way over here for nothing. Scoot over and keep a look out." Bernadette fished a strange set of keys from her purse, shot a quick look down the hall and began picking the lock.

Penny's eyes widened. "Where the _hell_ did you get those?"

"My dad," Bernadette smiled slyly. "Evidence doesn't just find its way into a suspect's apartment by itself, you know." She switched keys and inserted a long, thin pick into the lock. She closed her eyes and wiggled it around. The lock popped open. "Still got it!" Bernadette cried. She pumped a fist, threw a look down the empty hallway and pushed into Amy's apartment.

Bernadette fumbled for the light switch and a bright glow flooded the dark apartment. The kitchen and living room were as neat as pin and Amy wasn't at home. Bernadette surveyed the apartment. "Okay, you check out the bedroom, I'll cover the bathroom."

Penny nodded once and then shot her a confused look. "What am I even looking for?"

For a moment, Bernadette wasn't sure either. Her eyes darted from the crochet blanket that was neatly folded over the back of the couch to the tiny yellowing skull perched on Amy's desk. The enlarged maxilla was reassuringly non-human, but Bernadette could feel the dead monkey's empty eyes still staring at her after she looked away. Amy's apartment meshed a homely window display at Goodwill with the books, anatomical models and dead animals of a zoology exhibit. Either way, it gave Bernadette the creeps.

"I don't know, just look for anything unusual," replied Bernadette, hurriedly.

Penny shook her head but went off to the bedroom without complaint. Bernadette followed her a minute later and saw Penny staring into Amy's open closet.

"Huh," said Penny.

"Did you find something?" asked Bernadette. She ran around the bed to get a look at what Penny was seeing. "Was the closet open?"

"No, I was just curious," replied Penny. "I didn't know they made skirts in so many kinds of plaid."

"What are you doing?" demanded Amy.

Penny and Bernadette jumped a mile from the open closet and saw Amy at her bedroom door. She had her coat still on and her purse and laptop bag were strung around her shoulders. Clearly, she'd just arrived home from work.

"Amy! Hi!" Penny cried cheerfully and waved. Bernadette froze with her mouth wide open. Penny gave her a little shove.

"Hi, Amy!" Bernadette echoed. She glanced quickly between the closet and Amy. "We were just looking for you!"

"In my closet? Your skills as a scientist need some more refinement, Bernadette." Amy tossed her bags down onto her bed. "Why are you in my apartment?"

"We're sorry. We got worried and just came to check on you," replied Bernadette, weakly.

"Yeah, you haven't been at dinner all week, you barely sent me any messages and tonight you tried to blow off girls night," said Penny. She threw a hand on her hip. "So, what's up with that?"

"I told you I've been working late in the lab," Amy replied. Penny and Bernadette jumped out of the way as Amy elbowed past to hang her coat in the closet.

"I know, but you haven't been by and Sheldon has been as bitchy as hell all week," said Penny. "Life at 2311 Los Robles Avenue has not been pleasant."

Amy shut the closet behind her and shot her friends a dirty look. "I am not responsible for his behavior."

"Amy, I don't have to be a genius to realize something's not right. Did you and Sheldon get in a fight? And if you did, why the hell haven't you told me and Bernadette?"

Amy hedged. "Why haven't you explained why you've broken into my apartment?" she asked, peevishly.

"Well, we thought maybe you were upset and sort of holed up all alone and mopey and we decided to bring girls night to you." Penny's eyes traveled over Amy's stiff corduroy skirt, neat shirt and light makeup, all still impeccable after a long day at work.

"That's nice, but you can see that I'm fine. I don't let personal issues interfere with my work," Amy replied, tersely.

Bernadette pounced. "Oh, so there was a fight?"

Amy bit her lip.

"Come on, Amy! Tell us what happened." Penny tried her best pout and then held up a grocery bag she had in her hand. "We've got ice cream!" She grinned and the bag danced in the air under her fingertips. "Chunky monkey! Your _favorite_," she sang.

Amy sighed. "Penny, as delightful as your whimsy is, I don't know that I want to talk about it."

Bernadette stepped forward and leaned in close to Amy. "Well, you know what? Too bad," she said, as hard as nails. "We're your friends, you're upset and we won't leave until you tell us what happened." She added some sass with a flick of her hair and put both hands on her hips. "So, you're gonna have to spill or throw us out on our hineys."

Penny put her arm around Amy's shoulders and pulled her into a one-handed cuddle. "This is what girls nights were for made for, Ames," she said, sweetly, "bitching about no good, sucky boyfriends and all rotten things they do."

"Don't forget husbands."

"Wait," Penny forgot Amy for a moment and looked at Bernadette, "Howard literally isn't even on the same planet as you and you're pissed at him?"

Bernadette smiled and bobbed her head. "Yep."

"And yet, I'm still surprised." Penny shook her head. She looked at Amy. "How 'bout it?"

"You never want to talk about your problems with Leonard," said Amy, pointedly. "Not since you got back together."

Bernadette turned on Penny. "Yeah. What's up with that?"

Penny pretended not to hear them. She said to Amy, "We're sorry we broke in, sweetie. How about we get started on the ice cream before it melts?"

Amy frowned at her. Bernadette tapped her foot.

Penny pouted and then sighed dramatically. "Okay, deal. We can talk about me and Leonard too."

"Yay! About time!" Bernadette cheered.

Amy wore a half smile. "Do we each have our own bowl of ice cream, or do we eat straight from the pint like real gal pals?"

"Whatever you want, sweetie," Penny smiled and then added another thought, "but separate spoons."

##########

"Dude, no!"

"Oh come on!" Howard whined. "When was the last time I asked you to do something for me?"

Raj's mouth gaped open in surprise. He sucked air like a goldfish before he spluttered, "How about when I put together a beautiful wedding for you and Bernadette in just one day?"

"Oh geeze, fine. Before that then?"

"No, no. I won't do it." Raj sat back against his couch and crossed his arms. On the jittery Skype video, Howard had frozen with his eyes rolling towards the roof. The video jumped ahead and now Howard's palms were together in prayer.

"Come on! Raj!" Howard begged. "Do this for me, buddy. It means a lot and would really put my mind at ease. Just have a shot of marshmallow vodka first and you'll be fine."

"No! I'm not cutting your Mom's toenails. Forget it!"

Howard huffed, "Then what is she supposed to do? Let them grow into talons? Bernadette won't do it and Ma can't even see her feet, how is she supposed to cut them?"

"I don't care!"

"Fine Raj, but if Ma nicks her tibial artery and bleeds out while I'm in space, it's on you," said Howard, bitterly. "I'm sorry I called. Talk to you later."

"What, that's it? You've barely spoken to me while you've been up there and now you're going?"

"Geeze. I'm sorry Raj, but the long distance bill is kind of steep to talk about the Black Widow's badonkadonk," replied Howard, derisively.

"Fine. Go then," he snapped back. "Don't worry about me or any problems I might me having. Of course, this is all about you," he replied, sulkily.

"Raj, if you haven't noticed, I just got married and my new wife and my Mom are at each other's throats. Also, I'm living in a heap of space junk built by the Russians when WHAM! was at the top of the charts; 1986 was a good year for the Soviet's, right? There's about a thousand things that could go wrong up here and if just one of them does, this space station becomes my floating sarcophagus. Sure, I'd die an American hero, but I'd still prefer that not happen." Howard smiled serenely and laid it on thick, "But, hey buddy, I'm sure that's all nothing compared to your earth bound problems."

"Just 'cause you're up there doesn't mean life has stopped for the rest of us."

Howard rolled his eyes. "Your problem hasn't changed in ten years, Raj. You're lonely and you'll never get a girlfriend because you can't speak to women. Any other updates for me?"

"Yeah, the guy I called my best friend became an astronaut and a giant douche in the same week."

##########

"You are unwise to lower your defenses." Sheldon breathed out deeply. "There is no conflict. You underestimate the power of the dark side."

Sheldon zoomed out to get a good look at the construction of his Minecraft Death Star. He began to hum the Imperial March but his enthusiasm soon waned. He glanced at his phone and not satisfied with its black and lifeless screen, he pressed the home button. No missed calls or messages. No new emails, tweets or texts. No new posts on her Facebook wall. No Amy.

She had eliminated all contact with him that she wasn't contractually bound to respond to. He picked up his phone and tapped out his latest inquiry of her health and safety. The agreement didn't specify, but Sheldon had decided a twenty-four hour window was a reasonable time between requests. So far, he had gone as long as six during daylight hours.

His phone buzzed and she replied curtly that she was fine. Her body temperature was a little high at 99.4 F, but he supposed the rise was due to an increase in progesterone during ovulation, rather than an onset of illness. It bothered Sheldon that he couldn't write off Amy's emotional sensitivity as a side-effect of her spiking reproductive hormones. He understood the level of unhappiness that precipitated a retreat into one's bedroom. It made him worried and saddened to know he had been the cause of hers.

Sheldon placed his phone down on the coffee table and fought the urge to call or message her. Leonard was out, summer prime time was awash with reruns, and while there was always more work to do, he doubted his efforts would be fruitful. He had already spent half his workday thinking about his research proposal to Amy.

Last week, the distraction of Amy had become intolerable. He knew he needed a way to delay her relationship agenda and he realized if they worked together the progress she desired would be delayed indefinitely. That Amy had been so enthusiastic for him to vacation in her lab—before his first day—was only a greater enticement for him to open PubMed and begin reading about neurobiology.

However, the more he thought and read, the more appealing the idea became. Working with Amy would be a far more stimulating, productive and satisfying relationship than working with Leonard or Raj. He had laid her the bait of a Nobel for Physiology, but the more he thought about the science, the possibility of sharing a Nobel Prize with Amy didn't seem so far fetched. Normally, Sheldon hated sharing anything. Yet, with Amy, when he tried the idea on it seemed like a comfortable fit. He shrugged off the feeling; it wasn't like he wouldn't have his own Prize for physics one day. _Why not collect them all?_ The serious ones, that is; he'd be ashamed to win one of the rest.

After reviewing the past winners in the physiology or medicine category on Wikipedia, Sheldon was convinced. He dismissed the previous endeavors as gains of tedious inches in the field. He and Amy, with their scientific superpowers combined, could make a giant leap forward in understanding the brain. The longer he thought of it, his original motive of keeping her romantic agenda at bay seemed less important. Sheldon believed a shared prize was virtually theirs already.

However, when he had laid out his plan Sheldon was surprised that the possibility of their winning a Nobel Prize had made so little an impression on Amy. She was, apparently, wedded to the idea of increasing his feelings and physical affections. She'd made it plain before that she was interested in more than his mind, but Sheldon thought Amy would see the rational side of his proposal. His plan would provide them with the security of a permanent intellectual relationship, rooted in science and friendship. A relationship, he believed, that would provide a constant emotional bond and be far superior to the hot mess of a romance.

She'd made it clear in their argument that her idea of moving forward involved putting physical relations, up to and including coitus, very much back on the table. The idea clawed at him, and whenever a pale shoulder popped up in his mind's eye he immediately redirected his thoughts to the anticipated thrill of working with her.

The past week had reminded Sheldon of his life before Amy and it wasn't as interesting as he remembered. At home, alone in his apartment, he quietly admitted to himself that he missed her. Sheldon sighed and looked forlornly at the empty spot next to him on the couch. He wanted to talk to Amy.

He pulled his computer into his lap and opened the relationship agreement.

##########

Amy stuck the digital thermometer in her ear. When it beeped, she tapped out the number into her phone and sent the message. She looked at the menstrual chart she kept tapped to the side of her fridge. "There goes another of my dwindling supply of ova," she said and she struck a line to mark the day on her calendar.

Bernadette's nose crinkled. "What exactly was in Sheldon's text?"

"Yeah, I thought you were ignoring him," said Penny as she dug the last of the ice cream from the pint.

"I am. We haven't spoken for nearly a week but I have to reply to a message requesting a status update—it's in the agreement." She shrugged, resigned to her situation. "I figured a body temperature reading adhered to the letter of the contract without having to engage in conversation." She pointed at the chart, "I'm ovulating—my uterus is 99 degrees and undefiled."

Penny's pursed her lips and then changed the subject. "Amy, I didn't tell you: I got a call back for the drug commercial!"

"The one for the eye-lash lengthening medication?"

"Yup," Penny grinned, pleased with herself. "Seems they like a bit of this action," she said and batted her lashes at them.

"Of course," said Amy. "Who doesn't admire those gorgeous doe eyes? Your eye color is what people mistakenly call Emerald Green, but what they are in fact referring to is the color known as Paris Green."

"Paris green?" Penny scooted over to let Amy sit back between her and Bernadette on the couch. "I didn't even know that was a thing. I like it."

"You're welcome, bestie. The pigment is a copper acetoarsenite. The Romans used it for painting lush green fields of the Mediterranean, but it got the name from being a powerful toxin used to kill Parisian sewer rats."

Penny's smile faded into a grimace. "Anyways, after my agent called, I ran over to tell Leonard and made out with him and we made up and then some. So everything is back to normal with me and 'ol Leonard." Penny finished with a big smile.

Amy looked confused. "So, he proposed to you during coitus, you had coitus again, and now everything's fine?"

"Yep."

"You talked about your problems with how he was moving too fast?" asked Bernadette.

"What? No."

"I don't understand," said Amy. "How did you move past your ongoing relationship problems with Leonard?"

Penny shrugged. "I told him my good news, he was happy, I was happy, we had sex and everything was fine."

"That's it?" asked Bernadette in an incredulous tone.

Penny chuckled. "Do I have to spell it out? It was make-up sex—the best kind!" She smiled and raised a brow. "And, you know how _good_ Leonard is at apologizing."

Amy and Bernadette frowned at her.

Penny sighed, exasperated. "Look, it's not like that. We had a fight, we move on. Leonard and I have a deep connection." Penny said this with a wave of her arms that she felt evoked the spiritualist mix of Deepak Chopra and her yoga instructor. "We understand each other—somethings don't need to be said out loud."

"Or really anything," said Bernadette, contemptuously.

Penny narrowed her eyes. "What's going on with you and Astroboy? Is he prepared to detach from the mothership when he returns to Earth?"

Bernadette shot her a withering look. "No. I made him tell his Mom that he was moving in with me over Skype. She began to wail and curse me in Yiddish. Howard blamed it all on me," she said, indignantly.

"You are the one that wants him to move out," said Amy.

"I know that, but he should want it too!" Bernadette snapped. "I'm his wife. I knew marrying Howie meant marrying Mrs. Wolowitz too, but I expect him to put me first. I just don't want to live in my mother-in-law's house." Her tone soften and she asked, "That's not unreasonable, is it?"

Penny and Amy snuck a sidelong glance between them. They replied together.

"No," said Penny.

"Yes," said Amy.

Bernadette frowned. "I know it'll be different when Howie's home, but I guess I expected when we were married that Howard would always put me first," she sighed and polished her ring with her index finger. "Maybe it was naïve to think a wedding would change things overnight."

"Maybe. When is he back anyway? Next week?" asked Penny.

"Yes."

"Then tell him you won't sleep with him at his Mom's house anymore and see how long he lasts." She turned to Amy. "Okay, now you. We have to think of a way to deal with Pinocchio."

Amy looked at Penny, sourly. "There's the first problem: Pinocchio wanted to become a real boy."

"Details Amy! Be serious, we've got some real work to do here. Sheldon has had a freak out that he's in a real relationship—"

"That's actually a really good sign that he having real feelings for you," said Bernadette, hopefully. She patted Amy's arm.

"Yeah and he is so chicken shit scared that his warped mind decided to try to bribe you to stay in the friends zone with science stuff, a Nobel Prize and money, literally." Penny shook her head in disbelief. "That butthead. But, what should you do?" She tapped a finger to her lips while she thought.

"Tell him he's got to man-up or it's over," said Bernadette. "He's playing games and not taking your relationship seriously if he thinks he can buy you off with research money."

Amy smoothed her corduroy skirt to her knees. "But it wouldn't be just that. I know it isn't the relationship I'd envisioned, but Sheldon basically said he wanted to be with me and work side by side for all our lives."

"How romantic," said Penny, acidly.

"Well, I'm just saying..." Amy trailed off and she shrugged.

"Hang on a sec, you're not actually thinking about going along with his crazy are you?" Penny cried, leaning into Amy's space.

Amy shrank away and bumped into Bernadette.

"Amy, you love Sheldon, don't you?" asked Bernadette, gently. She rested a comforting hand over Amy's shoulder.

Amy looked between both women and then down at her own hands resting in her lap. She nodded.

Bernadette dug her nails into Amy's shoulder. "Then how could you think of going along with his dumb-ass idea?" she growled.

Amy jerked away from Bernadette's claws. "I'm not thinking about agreeing to be Sheldon's research partner and freezing our relationship as platonic girlfriend/boyfriend."

Bernadette glared at her.

"Not really," said Amy, "but, even if Sheldon and I were never lovers, can you imagine how romantic it would be to share a Nobel Prize?"

Penny rolled her eyes. "Great, I'm sure a shared Wikipedia page and all the Swedish meatballs you can eat will be worth settling for."

Amy frowned at her. "I know this isn't your average proposal, but Sheldon isn't average. He basically proposed to me, platonically."

Amy cringed as the little words of comfort she had been nursing all week hit her own ears. It might have been enough for the old Amy, the one that thought love and friendship were too _human _for scientist like her. But it wasn't now. _  
_

"Amy, you're talking crazy. You won't be happy with Sheldon unless you have everything you want: sex, a wedding dress to match that tiara and you told me last week your plans include having a baby," Penny snorted.

"A baby?" Bernadette squeaked.

Amy looked at Penny. "Well, maybe that's where all your problems with Leonard begin. You don't want to compromise on anything. You have an intelligent and handsome boyfriend that adores you," Amy turned to Bernadette, "and you have a husband. Both of them want to ravish you constantly. I have Sheldon. We may never have sex or be a normal couple but we might have something that is a lot less selfish, maybe a lot more romantic in the medieval sense. A heroic dedication of our lives and hearts to science above all earthly desires."

Penny crossed her arms, disgusted. "Come on! The only one one compromising is you. Sheldon would get everything he wanted. _Again_."

Amy threw up her last line of defense to protect her fragile heart. "If this is all Sheldon wants in a relationship, then it's not right to try to force him into something more intimate."

"Oh, that's crap and you know it," Penny shot back.

"Excuse me?"

"He doesn't know _what_ he wants. The Star Trek thing! You said he couldn't keep his eyes off you and went along with everything you suggested! You want to give up now?"

Bernadette nodded. "You can't just settle for what he wants the minute he starts to find things uncomfortable. You need to push his boundaries." Bernadette winked. "You might already be doing more than holding hands if Leonard hadn't come home."

Amy looked a little skeptical. "Maybe."

"No, not maybe, definitely," said Penny. "In Sheldon's stupid proposal did he say, has he actually ever said, that he didn't want a sexual relationship with you?"

Amy thought for a moment. "No. I was the one that said coitus was off the table on our first date. But he did turn down a night of passion when I suggested it and he has said repeatedly that we have a relationship of the mind."

"Okay, but the only thing that's changed recently is him. He held your hand, you didn't ask him or force him to do it. He can't deal with the fact he can't control his emotions around you. Hey presto!—he had stupid idea to bribe you with a Nobel Prize."

"How do I get him to want act on any feelings he might be having?"

"I've got it. You want Sheldon to realize how much he wants you and this relationship?" Penny peaked her eyebrows, drawing out the suspense. The other girls lent in. Penny smiled wickedly. "Go along with his plan."

"What?"

"Give him what he wants: work with him and nothing else. No date night, no dinners—we can catch up for lunch instead—no flag video thing, no skype or texts, nothing. Suspend all other contact, let him stew awhile and then let him see what he's missing. He'll be desperate."

Amy looked at Penny strangely. "How's that any less manipulative or childish than what he tried to pull with me?" she asked.

"I guess it's not," replied Penny. "But a taste of his own medicine won't be sweet. He deserves it if nothing else."

Bernadette looked at Penny, very uncertain. "I don't know," she said. "It might backfire. He's too stubborn."

"No. You know what he's like. If he thinks he's going to lose Amy then he'll forget about everything else and try to get her back." She turned and looked at Amy. "And when he begs to return to how things were, tell him no. Things will be different and you can start with ditching that ridiculous relationship agreement."

"Why would I do that? I like the agreement, for the most part."

"Because it's stopping the organic growth of your relationship," said Penny, in a tone that suggested she was stating the obvious.

"Sheldon doesn't like organic," Amy replied. "He thinks the sooner genetically modified broccoli tastes like peanut butter, the better."

Suddenly, an idea struck Amy and she jumped from the couch. She looked between the two women. "Newton's third law of motion."

"What?" asked Penny. Bernadette's brow creased.

Amy went to her desk and pulled a composition book from a draw. "I'm going to give him this."

"What is it?" Bernadette flipped the cover open and saw color coded post-it flags labeled intimacy, cohabitation and procreation. She flipped to a pink flag and saw a neatly printed Gantt chart. Penny's eyes popped open wide and Bernadette bit her lip.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Amy nodded, her conviction growing. "He's had his turn. Now, I'm going to give him my plan for our future."

##########

Is Sheldon a flight risk? Lay your bets in the comments.

Thanks for reading!


End file.
